Yesterday we got the news we'd been waiting for. The Specialist (of what, I don't know) has scrutinised dad-in-law's scan results and come up with a Diagnosis.
Here it is.
He's been very ill.
Well, yes. We had noticed.
It was perhaps one of the following things:
a) a severe bladder infection which caused kidney problems
b) a severe liver infection which has left him with some liver damage
c) a bile duct problem.
So it wasn't pancreatic cancer, tumours in many and or various organs,or Just Old Age.
He is starving himself for reasons medically unknown as he is now No Longer At Death's Door but Getting Better. (At 97...) His depression cannot be treated with medication because of his liver problems.
So now what? It's like snakes and ladders and I am so TIRED of the one step forward, one step back-ness of it all. (Obviously I'm not as close to dad-in-law as his blood relatives, who are focussed on making his quality of life as good as it can be and hoping not to lose him in the immediate future). But it's going to happen again, isn't it?
My main problem is the vivid and very distressing flashbacks I keep getting of my dad dying in the hospice in November last year. For some reason the current situation has ripped off the scab and I'm back in the horror zone again. I had tried to hide from it so it wouldn't get me by taking pills (and beer, in moderation of course, because of the alcoholism of the Father Of My Children). I CANNOT get his last moments /days out of my head: it's driving me insane and back into depression, which I DO NOT have time for.
On this site there are so many people going through the vileness of cancer themselves, and people caring for their loved ones who are suffering, and I (as far as I know) am in good health, so I know how very, very fortunate I am. I have 3 fantastic kids who love me and whom I adore, a lovely, lovely husband, and all I could wish for. I even have a job ( about which I moan but I do really appreciate).
I have no siblings and my relationship with my mother has never been close or warm. I don't actually want anything to do with her: how liberating to be able to say that here when I can't say it anywhere else! She's not an easy person and now is bereaved and devastated having lost her husband. I find myself resenting her neediness, which is appalling even to me (the resentment, I mean). I know she's chosen to live (with my dad when he was alive) a life of isolation and now he's gone she has pretty well got nothing. I can't fill the gap he's left. I was never quite up to their standards when he was ok and their life was untouched by cancer, so there's bugger all hope now. And I don't even want to try to.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm TRYING very very hard to support my husband (who adores his dad, who adores him) but feel guilty for neglecting my mother (whom I pity but am unable to empathise with as it's too painful for me to revisit my own loss of a father).
I want to have a big, messy toddler-style paddy and demand that people feel sorry for me but I know how stupid that is, when there's nothing physically wrong with me.
Trouble is, this morning on my drive to work (with the music turned up super high so I can't think or feel) I found myself feeling suicidal again: just for a short time, but I haven't felt this bad since 2006 when I had a bit of a breakdown.
What the hell is going on in my head and how can I fix it?
