10th June: any advice?

Hey, honey

Well, I was pretty much unaffected by both my parents' deaths, but that was inevitable. Back in the world of nice people with proper feelings, all I can tell you is that everybody's different, and there's no set schedule of how you should be feeling. (If there is, I vote we tear it up and ignore it.) Some people react to every milestone, some don't.

In another theory altogether, maybe your feelings about your father are mixed up with the need for antidepressants?

*hugs*

- Hilary

Hello, Hilary, Wise Woman of the Web.

I had a long chat with my SIL (not J's sister) and she had the same sort of non-reaction to the deaths of her parents, too. That was quite cheering, in a 'there's a lot of it about' sense. I guess I just wanted to hear it again! Some families are loving and warm and some are like mine/ours (?) and that's that.

I can't really do pretending as my memory is quite poor, like when you're a kid trying to get out of P.E. and you forget which leg has the limp...

Thank you for your response and I hope you can manage to have a non-sicky day.

Much love. xxx

Hi minima,

I'm with Hilary, there's no "should" about it. Sometimes I envy people who had parents they can genuinely grieve for. Mine are the reason for a breakdown at 15, a suicide attempt at 21, and medication of various kinds & strengths ever since. I still feel cheated & betrayed but obviously can't do anything about it now. So I just pity one and despise the other.

Don't beat yourself up, it's hard enough coping with daily life without  adding synthetic guilt!

Love & hugs,

xxx

Hi Minima,

Glad you had a reassuring chat with SIL. I'm 6 months on from dad's death 78yrs. And similar to you my mum is absolutely crushed and finding it sooo hard to move on, but that's very understandalble afther 60 years together. I seem to be the rock of the family and the organiser which is quite draining at times but hey ho, it's the dynamics of a family eh.

Your grieving is your own in your own way and competely normal for you, so there! Huge hugs to you 'cos this grieving lark is sooo bloody hard.

Take care

Jan xx

I forgot the anniversary of my mum's death quite often over the years and I can't even remember my dad's birthday.... I know it is either October or November but can't remember the date. So, I am really awful eh? I don't think so.. Grief is personal. Some people wallow in it for a long time and others get on with life and just cast a memory sometimes... both are o and whatever is ok for you. I think there is cultural pressure to wallow and mark anniversaries and you are cruel and heartless if you don't.

The first anniversary of my mum's death I thought oh no, I have to mark it and it felt like a pressure to do something when I didn't want to. I went to the sea and felt the wind in my hair and that was it. I probably wouldn't have done anything if others hadn't expected it. They are there with you all the time or not and a date is a manmade date, nothing else. Something for us to focus our grief and attention on. Bit like your cancerversary... daft that I should be thinking about it more today than tomorrow or yesterday...

I cried a lot when my dad died but i was only a mere 17 yr old stripling. My mum, I cried a little bit in the days after her death, but not a lot- mostly numb probably and not done much crying since. I barely think about either of them now. Just the odd memory when someone talks about growing up or something.  I don't think I am heartless or unfeeling, but life is for living and no point in spending your life being sad is there? they would not want you to be sad and crying about them al the time would they? I know I'd be really furious if my family cried and wallowed after I'd gone... 

 I would be delighted to live to 78 (not likely I suspect) . I know the older you get, the older you want to be but to be honest, 78 is ok and not unexpected so no need to be heartbroken if that makes sense?

This is one of those topics where you get jumped on if you say the wrong thing. Partners and kids dying is something different altogether of course and I would expect your mum to be crushed with grief, but being a grown up and your parents dying is what should happen at some point...its the  natural course of events and therefore I would be more concerned if you were grief striken and unable to move on than not.

I'll stop before i offend half the site or bore you to tears...  and just say you are normal (well, normal in that sense of course, not the being bonkers which you are)

Little My xxx