Yesterday was bloody awful in our house, all my other half and I do at the moment is get stressed at one another.
For those of you who don't know me on mac, I had breast cancer back in 2004 and I finally finished my treatment last March 2011, and although I have done really well and am cancer free I have got myself into a bit of a rut with panic and agoraphobia which I am getting treatment for.
Agoraphobia has reduced my world to a very small space and going anywhere away from home is difficult, but doable with a bit of help and the more I do it the easier it will become.
The thing is I feel my other half is not helping me and is at the end of his tether.
We are meant to get me out at every opportunity that we can, like drive the car to the supermarket or drive into town at the weekend, just so my driving and interaction with the world outside becomes easier for me, but he will do things like get the shopping after he has been to the health club and when it comes to the weekend he will say that there is not a lot of petrol in the car and we don't have much money so we can't go out, we never go anywhere , he never took me out even when we did have a bit of money and I didn't have agoraphbia, don't get me wrong he is a really lovely bloke and everyone who meets him thinks he is so nice and he is but he gets so stressed at everything and rightly so because his captain of his ship has handed over the wheel and become second mate.
His mother did everything for him growing up and his father is one of those very strict type of men who has had his dinner on the table at the same time every day for the last hundred years, very different to my parents. His mother constantly covers up for other halves mistakes and they tell little white lies so he will not find out because they are all scared of him (the father).
Well I have found myself in the middle of these white lies lately and the angry and bitterness I feel toward his family is spilling over onto my relationship with my other half and it does not help that his father hates me and thinks I am the scum of the earth.
I just feel very alone at the moment with none of my family around and since my agoraphobia and cancer a lot of my friends have moved on with there lives and are busy doing other things, and cause we don't have a lot of money because I can't work we don't get asked to things anymore, maybe I am a bad person that is as horrible as my other halves family think I am, but I think you give out bad vibes to people that know you can see their own weaknesses.
Before I came on here not one of my family ever said well done for getting through the cancer and we are so glad you did!!!!!!!
I find myself at a cross roads, I hope I can choose the right path and also how can I find the strength to do it on my own when I have nothing left?????????????
I don't think I deserve to be treated in this way.
This was more a blog to myself and a bit of a rant, maybe it will make a bit of sense to someone.
xxxxx
