My god I'm a misery today. My poor fiancé went out without me in the end because I just couldn't shake that nagging feeling behind the eyes that the tears might start. I wanted to be left alone to wallow if I'm being honest with myself but it didn't achieve anything. I've ignored all the calls to my phone today and I've had to stop myself reading the threads of others here who are fighting a far bigger battle and are 100x braver than I. I feel selfish and awful for it but I'm not winning the battle with my nerves at the moment.
What the hell is wrong with me? Have we moved from anger to depression in the grief stages or am I over reacting? I question whether this is as big a deal as I think it is. These things are relative I know but I don't trust my body right now. It has screwed up for no reason and I am scared. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky. I got the best news a person could in the circumstances. The cancer is only on the surface, they can get rid of it but instead of thinking how marvellous that is all I can think is but what if it comes back? What if it spreads? What if it transforms? What, if like most lymphomas, it is chronic? Will it eventually kill me? Will it mean I'm more likely to develop other cancers? If it doesn't kill me will it stop me from re-mortgaging and moving house, from having children, from living to an age that's decent? Will I always be this scared? Will I always have to tell people?
And what if it doesn't come back? Will they discharge me and risk it coming back un-checked? Will I still see my haematologist regularly and learn to live with the fear? How will I tell other people about the risks? I don't want everyone to know I have lymphoma but I want to do something! I'm acutely aware of my own and my fiancé's mortality and it's driving me crazy. Surely I should be able to explain to my treacherous brain that there's nothing I can do about it and I should enjoy the here and now and instead I am crippled with despair and fear. It's not helpful brain; you're not being half as useful as you'd like to make out!
I want to get a grip. I think I've probably pulled a muscle in my back because it's been seriously painful for the last few days but my new hyper vigilant attention to changes in my body mean I'm now contemplating every other possibility. We were out for my fiancé's birthday and it was lovely but I panicked half way through the evening convinced I'd found a lump in my neck and I had, if you count my voice box. I fessed up at the end of the night but what a waste. I am�� lo lo I'm completely neurotic, I know I am. I just want to get a new body and get out of my head for a while.
Breathe.
Sooo yeah, I'm clearly coping VERY well with the anxiety and all. It's only 10 days until I get to see the haematologist again. Do you think it'd be too much to ask him just to move in for safe measures? ;)
