I'm starting to understand that most days at the moment are more of a wave of emotions rather than a stable leaning to one emotion or another and frankly it's likely to stay that way for a while. When I'm with people everything's fine, I feel like me and I laugh and the world is amazing. When I'm alone I am a bit like a hormonal teenager, completely unable to control the venom and despair pouring out of my head. One minute there's sadness that'll never end, the next I'm past that and desperate to take a fork to somebody's skull for just being crap!
This morning started brilliantly. I didn't sleep well but that's a given and so I was up bright and early, in the bath, drink in hand (non alcoholic, I'm a working girl after all...) and wandered to my appointment in the sunshine with my ipod set to the happy music I own (which is limited to be fair). If you were passing, you'd have seen a rather strange ginger woman bobbing away to her music, practically dancing down the street because I was full of the joys. New week and all that. It's like footprints in new snow, I've not buggered it up yet, lets enjoy it!
The appointment itself went OK and I toodled into work still relatively with it given my current level of attention span. I twice failed to run Hairy a bath properly yesterday. First attempt I forgot to put the plug in and the second time I put the sink tap on instead...seriously woman, get on this planet please!
Upon getting to work it was pointed out to me, pretty kindly to be fair, that maybe I need to take some time out because I look obviously unwell now in terms of just really over tired. I'm not normal tired, it's sort of like I'm trying to drag my body through cottage cheese every time I move an inch because it's just so much effort. I'm not daft, that'll be 3 months of not really sleeping and being scared stiff - what I need is something to release all that stress and get a good night sleep!!! Maybe don't let me play with forks...
I'm not sure taking time off sick will really fix that. I have at least shifted a bit and said I will consider it if it impacts on my work...you know, aside from the fact that I forget to go to meetings last week, regularly start sentences and realise I've no idea what I wanted to say and lose minutes at a time without really knowing what on earth I was doing. I need a word with myself!
Anyway, work was fine I think. I don't think I achieved a great deal, but I managed to turn up to all my meetings which is an improvement on whatever day it was last week.
Of course I left work and then it started. Today Matthew I want to be Ares, Greek God of war. Watch me smite the lot of them! Don't ask me what a god of war would even be doing on Stars in their Eyes in the first place or why I'm even thinking about something that for quite obvious reasons hasn't been on television for a really long time, but seriously I want to scream. I want to scream and swear and shout until I've got nothing left.
When did getting cancer mean I had to counsel other people about how they feel about what is happening to me!? Do I have 'poisonous' written on my forehead? Is my disease getting on your nerves? Has the time limit of your interest expired? I do apologise! Was there a clause in our friendship that made it void if one of us got a serious illness, because you never bothered to tell me about it?!
I am fed up with feeling guilty. I will still feel that way, of course I will and no doubt I'll soon be feeling guilty about feeling all of this, never mind typing it, but why can I only think about how this is going for me in a self obsessed blog instead of my actual life? Why can't I just say to the people who ask but really want reassurance do you know what, I get that you're frightened but this isn't growing in YOU. It isn't likely to grow again in YOU. They're not planning to point the big f**k off Xray at YOU!
I know, I know, I know I'm fortunate. I AM fortunate; I'm not trying to make it sound like what's happening to me is awful but why do I allow myself to be the one that is trying to fix how other people are feeling about something that's happening to me? I'm perfectly aware I won't die any time soon (of this anyway) and I've been really lucky to have caught it early and that I'm being treated by brilliant people.
That isn't helping me feel better right now though.
How did I get into a position where I have the choice of either pretending it isn't happening or trying to make the people who I did finally tell feel brilliant about the fact that it's not nearly half as bad as it could be?! Every day there seems to be another situation where people ask how I'm doing but in the stressed 'just tell me you're fine, please only tell me you're fine' kind of a way.
I thought I had back up and I had a small group of people who told me it was OK to just be honest about it, that they would put up with my rantings and wobbles but I think I've probably run out of good will there since it's all gone very quiet. It might well have nothing to do with me at all but if it does why wouldn't you just TELL me I'm getting on your nerves?' I didn't become a different person; I'm perfectly aware that having cancer has made me needy, anxious, weepy, sarcastic, self absorbed and really really pathetic. I am surrounded by people and yet I still feel isolated and a bit of a rage monster. Maybe, I'll end up joining the Avengers as the Hulk after all if I keep up this self indulgent toss!
Surely though if someone loves you they'd at least have the common decency to tell you they've had their fill of your whinging or panic or just your constant need to talk though?
The person I ought to be talking to about all this of course is dear old Hairy. He's just not really into cancer chat or my feelings on the matter. If I raise it, he reminds me that it'll be fine and I daren't tell him that that's all well and good but I'm worried about X, Y, Z because when I've done that before he's freaked out so much he's stopped coming home in the evenings, started smoking a lot and lying about it (honestly, don't lie to me, it's going to make me really angry) and resulted in him not sleeping for several days. To be honest that just stressed me out even more. I know he's trying. I think he was pleased when I was upset on Friday because it wasn't for me, it was for the girl from work and of course that doesn't impact on him and he was quite happy to let me do my very best limpet impression while I ranted about how unfair the world.
Ugh I hate dealing with things that make me uncomfortable. I get angry with myself for just being angry which is completely pointless but there it is. Right now I am angry that I can't just be the tragic mess I am in my head with the real people who care about me. I'm sure they'd be less agreeable to this if I put it into practice but still.
No doubt Hairy will come home in half an hour and I'll put it in it's little box in my brain with the other things I need to take time to work through. Our evening will be nice and light and we'll get along just fine I'll go to bed, struggle to sleep, have nightmares, get up ridiculously early and repeat the pattern I've perfected since April.
This is NOT going to be how I live my life. I'm giving my brain a deadline. We're getting this out of the way, we're dealing with the fall out of it and then we are getting a grip.
