I'm having a much better day today, not least because my lovely fiance (who I probably should just start calling HP or the like since that's how he's addressed at home. Not that his name is HP but I call him Monsieur Hairypants/Hairypants/Hairy/HP etc) really cheered me up. I'm still frightened but I'm finding today easier to ignore it. I woke in the middle of the name convinced I must have a tumour in my chest because I couldn't breathe and then more rationally figured I might well be getting a cold and moved on.
I've found the people who love you will do some bizarre and touching things to make you feel better when you're diagnosed with cancer. I'm sure it can't just be my people who've done the same. I thought, since today is a bit less of a dramatic day, that I'd share some of the ones that'll stick with me most:
1) My friend now texts me everytime she hears a song with the words 'I AM TITANIUUUUUUUM' to remind me to keep smiling and be strong. I'm getting this text multiple times a day so I'm starting to think she might either be over-egging it or just looking for it. It's sweet all the same.
2) My nan crocheted me a worry mouse. Enough said really.
3) I'm receiving cards of encouragement....mainly from family but sweet enough.
4) My friend started sending me photos of herself pulling silly faces...just because.
5) Various people seem compelled to tell me about every person they've ever known who had cancer and who went on to live a long, happy, cancer-free life. Nice way to keep you positive.
6) Unfortunately (and sometimes the same people) you'll also find that various people are compelled to tell me about every person they've ever known who had cancer and didn't survive. I'm not sure whether that's supposed to give me some perspective, scare me witless or just encourage me to stop talking to them.
7) People will want to see you and speak to you A LOT. The ones you usually wanted to see anyway will be appreciated; the ones you usually tried to avoid will be endured. Unless it's a bad day that is....which leads me to number 8.
8) People are so concerned about the C word that you can basically use the words 'I've got cancer' to get your own way on virtually any matter because people feel either too sad for you or too awkward to push the matter. This is not one to abuse.
9) My friend sends me regular updates on the 'stage of grief' I'm currently at any time I get myself in a state and berate my brain for not just being OK.
10) The people who love you best will offer to come to your appointments, to look after the people around you who also love you. It's quite sweet.
11) Some people will just not acknowledge that you've got cancer because they think by ignoring it they're helping you. This occasionally works wonders and occasionally makes you want to slap them.
12) My favourite (and somewhat of an over share I'm afraid), every time I get very sad HP makes me laugh. He will tell jokes, talk rubbish or in last night's case when I was just a big mess of jarmies and self pity, he decided to perch completely naked on our bannister and wait for me to walk through to the landing only to declare 'LOOK LOTTIE. I'M MODERN ART!' I laughed so hard I managed to get to sleep at a decent hour for a while. I really do love that man. His silliness makes me smile and it's hard not to be happy when you've got a random in your home who is focused on making your life a little brighter.
So yes. Another day is underway and I'm one step closer to my haematology appointment and then onto treatment. It's a slow and frustrating process but I'm glad today is a day I can smile. I think aiming for more good than bad days is something to aim for and in the meantime I continue to have the weird and wonderful support from the people who love me.
