I've had a relatively successful couple of days I think but the panic attacks are back and it's starting to grate. Maybe panic attack is the wrong word for it because there's no classic hyperventilating, just debilitating fear so the world seems to fall away from me, my body goes numb from my toes to my face and I feel like I have lost all knowledge of breathing or I've got a weight on my chest. It's hideous and mainly seems to occur when I've been asleep since I'm trying to keep busy enough to avoid it the rest of the time.
Subconsciously I imagine it is linked to the cancer diagnosis but to be honest the fear has been there quite a while longer. I have managed to lose two boyfriends already in my lifetime (in death not like I left them in a supermarket). They died in relatively quick succession - David when I was 16 (he had a genetic heart defect) and Tony when I was nearly 18 (he had a brain haemorrhage). I'm nearly 27 now so these events were along while ago but it left me with a not so irrational fear of death. Not in a 'going out getting murdered' way, just plain old fashion natural illness and accidents. The daft thing is that finding out I have lymphoma has given me some clarity on the issue. We'll all die one day and there's nothing I can do about that. I do, of course, hope I won't have to go any time soon but why waste so long worrying about the inevitable? So, having made this superb realisation I now need to get my brain on board. Say no to panic!
Anyway, aside from the panicking life is still bobbing along. I'm exhausted but that's nothing new and might well be cancer related so who knows maybe I can get rid of that post - radiotherapy. I'm still trying to stay upbeat so I'm making plans with friends again; I turned into a virtual recluse unless pushed over the last two and a half months.
Tomorrow is Father's Day so we're off to visit HairyPants' dad. He finally told his dad about the diagnosis today. I think he'd avoided it so he didn't have to upset his dad. I've told him this isn't the same and hopefully will stay that way. His mum's cancer was pretty aggressive. She'd been in remission for about 6 years and had got her breast reconstruction then maybe 6 months later she collapsed and discovered she had cancer in her brain, liver, spine, bones and lymph system. They gave her chemo and radiotherapy and she lived life as best she could for another 22 months but it was heart breaking for all the family and none of them have really recovered. I can understand that hearing I've got cancer now too is a horrible reminder and a scary prospect, not just for me. A lot of the time I think I just pretend it's not real which isn't helpful either but I don't want to waste my life freaking out if I do think about it either.
My dad put it really well. He said he'd (like me) always been convinced he would die of a heart attack since it's a family tradition and every time he got a pain in his chest he would immediately freak and announce he was having a heart attack. He still does this but he's stopped focusing on it. He told me he didn't want to spend years worrying about dying that way because he figured he'd lose out on enjoying life then be seriously pissed off when he got hit by a car instead.
I'm rambling again but yes, I only have early staged lymphoma as far as I can tell (still need to wait for Wednesday to see the haematologist) and I'm not likely to drop down dead from lumpy arm syndrome so I need to get a grip and get over it. Wait to panic until I've got something real to panic about.
Time for sleep I think.
