I've had a really wonderful few days. The thought of dragging my sorry germy self out to see people 3 days in a row, on about 4 hours of sleep seemed like a bit of a tall order but actually I've had a fab time.
We went to meet one of our grown up friends (said only because they're married with a baby, not because they behave like adults) at their house. Off we went to a Thai restaurant about 15 minutes from their house and thanks to their over use of sizzling dishes in confined spaces I wasn't the only one coughing up a lung during dinner. They weren't keen to bring up the 'C' word so I spent the evening making inappropriate jokes about other things - I'm sure I must have been raised in a gutter but they're just as bad so I was in good company. Let's call them Pumpkin and Rakey for the purposes of blogging (Pumpkin being the wife and Rakey being the husband). Anyway I think I really embarrassed her at one point over dinner after Rakey asked my opinion on preference of girth over length in cucumbers. FYI - Surely all sensible people prefer length over girth where cucumbers are concerned right? If you're purchasing something to slice it up, I think the longer the better. Pumpkin nearly choked on her wine.
Anyhoo lots of wine and laughs later and we stayed at their house over night. I've stayed there countless times while they're away to feed their cats so I'm very at home. It's been really nice to get out and do normal things instead of focusing on what's happening/what's coming because honestly it's the thinking that causes problems, not the cancer when it's at an early stage. I'm pretty sure those Alps are just minding their own business, setting up colonies and not at all concerned what I think about them so there's no point putting life on hold while the anxiety is pretty low.
The point of this particular post apart from to plot my entire life? Clearly it's still on mind despite the joy. I think writing it down helps so I shall continue for as long as I need to. Anyway, yes definitely on my mind given my dreams have been vividly cancer related the last couple of days.
On Friday night I'd dreamt I'd lost all my hair and it turned out someone had been shaving it off in my sleep and gluing the strands to a board because they said they were going to replace me when I died. Last night I dreamt that I had been told I had breast cancer (I haven't) and their solution was to carve out a massive portion of my left side along with the breast. I looked like they'd done a reverse bowl cut to my left side, it was totally weird and I was keeping fruit in it, which I can't imagine would actually work if you stood up but there we go. Anyway, I tried to sleep in my bed but everytime I lay down the bed would propel me back up and someone told me the bed was allergic to me now. Then the lymphoma started to grow uncontrollably. It was so big, it enveloped my entire body and my face so I couldn't breathe. The tumours got bigger and bigger until it looked like I was surrounded by a mass of marshmallow mountains so I suddenly had a knife and was chasing them down, swiping at them to try and make them leave. Do you think lymphoma marshmallow mountains can run away? In my dreams they can. Anyway, they disappeared but the doctor told me it was too late and now I had lymphoma it'd never be gone and they couldn't save me so my friend (for the purpose of blogging we'll call him teapot) said he wanted to keep a bit of me when I died. I told him I'd happily leave him my legs but he said he wasn't interested in the useless bits. He said he wanted to take just my torso because his back sofa cushion had been lost and if he stuffed my torso, it'd make a perfect replacement because there was space to keep his head. For some reason my body was made like those weird dolls that you can just pull the bits off so they're interchangeable and can be made to look really freaky. I think I was just about to remove my head when I woke up. Utterly weird.
I woke up at 6.20am and given the strange content of my dream, I decided to get up, get a coffee and sit in the garden. I made friends with a snail who was just minding his/her/their business as they made their way across the grass. I wondered if snails got cancer. It didn't answer me so I guess I'll never know. My cough is getting progressively worse despite me throwing as many inhalers and cough medicines at it as I physically can, so I've had to bite the bullet and accept that I'll need to go pester my GP for some more drugs to shift it in case it delays the start of radiotherapy.
I am pleased my positive face has returned a bit though. I went on an epic search yesterday for my hair dryer. Despite going through everything in the house, including all the things still in boxes, I didn't find the stupid thing. I did however, find a ridiculous amount of books I'd forgotten about, keys belonging to someone and a huge collection of stuff I thought I no longer had. Anyway, I've not had the concentration to read a book in months. I'm the sort of person that either has to sit down and read it all in one go or will start reading, forget what was happening or that I'm even reading the book and then have to start again. I think I've read the first 4 chapters of Game of Thrones about 6 times now. Still, I am determined while I'm on a better footing to try and read some of these books. I've got 6 boxes of them. It might help keep me smiley too! We'll see though, there's just as much chance that I'll start reading a book and forget again. You can but try
The only thing that un-nerved me a little was actually interactions between others I'd read over the last couple of days. Only a couple in the hundreds of conversations so it's hardly a big thing but it makes me really quite sad. I know this is a little contentious and hypocritical but it upsets me to see other people struggling and asking for help, only to seem to receive the news that they're not in a bad enough situation to have the right to their own feelings. Just being here has opened my eyes to the extent of what can happen and it is really frightening but surely none of us should use it as a measure for how much help or support you deserve? I felt a fraud when I discovered I had escaped with an early diagnosis but I've still been really scared. I'm not the most tactful of people and when I'm freaking out about this development in life, I am aware that there are so many people in a much worse situation but if I just ignore it and say that I'll need to get a grip because I'm not as badly off as someone else surely I'd go mad. I feel terribly guilty. Guilty for putting the people I love in this position of stress and guilty that I am so lucky but I don't suppose it's healthy. Everyone I've encountered here personally have been wonderful. I think it's such a brilliant way to support one another, no matter what your experience. I just think if you can't say anything nice, maybe it's best not to say anything at all. You wouldn't be here in the first place if you were finding things easy.
