In terms of me, myself and my alps, everything is fine. I think I've relaxed a little bit now I know the dates and the plan. I think I've also become even more pointless in my brain because I don't feel like I'm still holding my breath and all the wibbly wobbly-ness of the last 3 months is slowly escaping. That's my excuse for doing bizarre things anyway. Nothing awful, just apparently saying things that make no sense and not realising I've said them; forgetting things; being a bit vacant and the like.
I think I've always been pretty empathetic as a person but since all this cancer malarky started, my emotions have been bubbling far closer to the surface than they ever normally do. Whilst I'm still as pants as ever at dealing with sadness for myself, when it comes to someone else I don't appear to be as control of my emotions. I appear to have developed sympathy tears. I hate tears. Body this is not acceptable!
Friday was a big mess of anger and tears for this very reason. I manage 17 people at the moment and it's fair to say that one of those people is going through something so appalling I could never really understand the depth of her despair. I think I'm a pretty supportive manager but on Friday when she was breaking her heart to me, all I could think was I just can't I make this better. It's not my job to fix the life of someone and I'm aware of that. I was professional right up until I left the conversation and had to take myself off to break my heart for her which is a first. My deputy claims this is a good thing since I'm softening but I really don't think I appreciate the leaking that has decided to accompany this new level of empathy.
Now don't worry, I'm not about to become a sympathy squeezer or a Nebby Nora. I'll do my best to support her in my capacity as her manager but I think I made a bit of a tit of myself in the absence meeting that afternoon when I had to take myself off again because I had to explain the situation. My cancer is nothing compared to the issues this woman is experiencing and I think a bit of a sense check is useful but it left me concerned I wouldn't do her justice. People keep telling me I need to take some time out and deal with everything that's been happening the last few months but I just don't see it.
In terms of things that have actually happened to me, this is probably up there with some of the nastiest things that have ever happened, not because of the result but because of the process and the implications. I know I'm in a really fortunate position so I don't really feel like I ought to. It's a bit like pretending? I don't want people to worry about me or think that I'm over reacting. I might be in all honesty. It's not the lymphoma itself that's the problem. It's not causing me any bother. I've got a nice scar and I'm going to have it zapped so job's a good'un. It's been the not knowing. I'm told over and over, this might kick it into staying dormant or I might have to repeat the process over and over, maybe it'll become something worse and the chances are stacked in the favour of reoccurrence rather than this being the end of the story though I obviously hope this isn't just the first chapter in a lifetime membership. I can rationally understand that it's a tough situation to be in but I also know that the asthma is more likely to cause me harm and I'm not afraid of that because it's always been there. I'm supporting someone in a situation a million times worse than this slight blip in life and I don't think indulging self pity is worthwhile. I'm full of coffee and gingerness; I'm just fine!
It does sound like I'm self pitying a bit doesn't it.
