Catching up, both the good at the bad seem to be the order of this weekend.
I have started making plans and seeing them through with some of my friends again. This has all been slow progress partly because I'm knackered, partly because people want to talk about cancer like that's all I am now and partly because I wasn't able to guarantee whether I'd want to get dressed unless I was required to for money (for work, there aren't people turning up to my house so horrified that I'm in a state of undress that they pay me to rectify this).
I might have gone overboard in retrospect but I have a hard time saying no to the people I care about so I appear to have scheduled coffee tomorrow; a walk on Tuesday; a day out on Thursday; boardgame night on Friday and a stop over night on Saturday.
The less wonderful side of the catching up is that I think I have developed tonsilitis...cheers body, clearly that's just what I needed. I haven't had it for a couple of years but it tends to happen whenever I'm run down and I guess 3 months of little sleep and stress probably qualifies as run down. It seems the minute I relax, my body gives the 'it's OK guys, we can be sick now' sign. It's like when you book a week's annual leave and wake up with a stinking cold on the very first day off.
My neck has swollen like a toilet roll in a river and despite taking all the painkillers (not in one go obviously) they've not touched the sides, but at least I'm not convinced I've been invaded by any completely unrelated diseases again. Anyway, tonsilitis just means a lot of soft food and plenty of sleep. I'm sure I can cope with that.
I accidentally did the thing I said I wouldn't and dropped the 'I have cancer' into conversation like I was telling them what I ate for breakfast. I suck ass at giving bad news but in my defence we were at work and discussing the logistics of covering my team while I'm off task, my deputy asked about the radiotherapy, the other deputy was there and I realised mid-conversation that I'd completely forgotten to tell her! I know that sounds ridiculous but I'm now at a bit of a weird position where I've told everyone I need to (or so I thought) so I am pretty comfortable with who will and won't question me about my various appointments, ailments, sleep patterns and stress....I missed one! I couldn't very well not tell her so I blurted it out and she looked like she'd cry. I kind of panicked and tried to make her feel better.
I really wish the immediate reaction isn't the fearful look of 'Oh my god, you're going to die' when you say 'cancer'. It's a collection of diseases. Yes it's rubbish and it can kill you but it doesn't mean it will kill you. No one looks at you like you're about to drop dead when you tell them you've got asthma or epilepsy or diabetes do they?! I'm a massive hypocrite though because that is what I'd have associated it with too less than three months ago. The ridiculous thing is that actually I'm positive I know more people that have lived after having cancer than who have not but the worst case scenario sticks in your mind with cancer.
How was it only three months ago? I still find that utterly crazy. It literally feels like a lifetime ago. I know I'm repeating myself but seriously what on earth happened to life before all this? I'm still keeping an eye on my two 'probably' cancer bumps that have sprouted. I'm positive that they're cancer but because one of them is under a freckle I have to wait. Surely it'd be easy enough just to cut them out anyway? I've got a big enough scar on my left arm, I don't mind having a matching one on the right.
Blah, straying into cancer talk again...and on a cancer blog as well. How silly of you Lottie!
I think I'll try to have an early night. I'm sleeping a lot better than I was now but I'm having very strange dreams.Some are cancer related, some are death related and some are random. A couple of days ago I dreamt I was in the trenches at World War I. I have dreamt that a member of staff was suspended and cried. I've dreamt that I had to move to India to paint the palace of an ex boyfriend. Last night I dreamt the daughter of a woman I work with had cancer.
I am a little confused about my thoughts on my own cancer now because it's a weird place to fit. The people who have experience of cancer know that really this isn't particularly bad so excellent, get over it Lottie and the people who have little experience of cancer know that this is something that will have a big impact on me even just for a few months and so think it's something I should be upset about, so rubbish go cry Lottie. I don't actually want to cry, don't worry. Everything is good and I am feeling great aside from the temperature, giant neck and painful throat but I think I feel weird about feeling good.
That probably makes no sense. I am conflicted. The person I am with the people who love me is happy and smiley and completely unphased. The person I am on my own and here where there is no context to the outside is emotionally wibbly, whingey, sarcastic and convincing herself of her own happiness. Perhaps the trick is just to merge the two.
