I think perhaps it was inevitable that I would eventually be knocked into an uneasy fear about cancer but I've been so bloody positive I thought I was beyond it. Apparently not. Yesterday evening was most notable for the ugly consuming tears that interrupted my cheerful face for much longer than my head thought was tolerable; my head is still banging in protest.
I saw Hairy smoking at work and when questioned he lied and said he wasn't smoking. I was irritated about the lie and exasperated that a man who has a long family history of death by cancer and a fiancé stuck with the same thing, would decide smoking was a helpful activity. Of course when I approached the subject he was defensive and cross, claiming that he was tense and didn't get the same attention from me that he used to. Well then I was upset that he stormed off and with too many negative thoughts and too much time to think about them I absolutely balled my eyes out. I'm not impressed.
It turns out that I'm frightened for his health; frightened that my cancer won't remain in its relatively OK state and they'll eventually tell me they're giving up despite the Haematologist claiming they just keep it at bay and I'm scared the kitten who has developed a pronounced lump has got cancer too.
Most of the time I feel like a fraud for feeling this way because I am OK but apparently that isn't enough to stop the fear bubbling under the surface. People don't want to hear about it though. The treatment has finished for now; you're supposed to box up your feelings and send them down the river so the people who love you no longer feel compelled to worry about you.
I imagine I might always feel a bit like this.
FormerMember
Oh dear, poor you, Lottie xxx Keep writing it down here. I can totally see people refusing to accept your worries because they want it all to be nice and over with, and totally understand why you are still scared silly. Of course you are. It hasn't gone anywhere, and you don't know how it's going to end. That's not a nice place to be in and I think something that only people that have been through it can understand. :-(
Re. the smoking, he can't stop if he's addicted, even because of rational reasons like the cancer aspect, so it doesn't matter what you say. It's a drug, and guilt tripping doesn't work. I think it's a bit naughty of him to turn his addiction round and blame it on you though....(would recommend the only way to stop smoking by allan carr if he shows any interest in packing it in) xx take care - nice to hear from you xx
