Today, just now in fact, I had my first head on taste of having someone know I had cancer when I had no intention of it ever being any of their business. I've had various brushes with the subject what with my mother just stopping short of renting a billboard in every town in the country I have relatives in, but so far the result of this has mainly been second hand information that whoever it is, is thinking about me because of, you know, that thing you've got... I'm tempted to start saying "ah you've told them I'm really a goblin sent from the future to destroy us all...brave move mum" but I don't think she would be amused.
I'm not even from here so you'd think I had a better chance than most of avoiding bumping into a random on my way home. The stupid thing is, despite my obvious obsessive need to write down every little detail of my life since the diagnosis, when she walked up to me saying "Ah Lottie I can't believe I've seen you; I heard your news!" I immediately put my hand out to show her my engagement ring because that's normally what people are referring to. Can you say having cancer qualifies as news? It might just be me but it felt rather like an implication that this is something I had actively pursued rather than a random anomaly in my cells. Then there was a bit of an awkward moment where she's looking at me like I'm nuts and I'm wondering what stupid thing I must have said/done without thinking.
So she goes on to ask if it's on my hand "because (we'll call her gabby mouth) had told her it was in my arm. I hoped I could avoid having that conversation so I asked her what she meant and apparently (we'll call her nebby Nora) is even worse at reading signals than I am because then I get a full on "Gabby mouth told me you've got cancer and I was sure she must be wrong but you do look very unwell. Oh you poor thing!" *Insert really uncomfortable moment where I am hugged like a limpet by a woman I only vaguely know and wasn't terribly fond of*.
If she'd laid on the faux sympathy any thicker I think I might have drowned. I did my best to be truthful without having to answer her intrusive questions. Are you looking after yourself? - Yes.
Is it something you've done? - Well technically my body has yes.
Are you scared you'll die? - I'd be crazy if I was looking forward to it.
Why didn't you tell me? - I don't like to worry people.
Are you going to go bald? - Not any time soon.
At which point I excused myself explaining I have to meet a friend of mine and I will likely be late to see her otherwise.
*Insert more faux sympathy and declarations that we must meet up*
I'm not sure how I feel about this whole bizarre event yet. Is it OK to be angry at Gabby mouth or is it expected that if I drag people into this they are bound to need to talk about it so it's my fault for saying anything? I'm pleased I didn't just swear at Nebby Nora and leave because this approach was far less angry but yeah, no idea what just happened.
I'm angry at myself for feeling like I ought to tell people or stupid for not explicitly saying don't run your mouth off to any bloody person you run into on the street! How socially inept must a person be to think it's acceptable and appropriate to have that conversation with someone in the street like you're recreating a scene from a tacky soap opera?!
Meh, anyway I'm off to another friend meet up tonight. This one is not likely to be as relaxed as yesterday judging by my lovely friend's response to the news which went something along the lines of 'my mum had that when I was little. It was nothing and she's fine....Well, she has still got it but she's still alive.' Umm cheers l think? Still, she means well and I imagine I'll spend a large portion of the evening talking nonsense or catching up on things in her life. It'll be fun I'm sure.
Anyway, the point of this. I was in a splendid mood today so I am determined not to let a little blip spoil what was a perfectly bog standard ginger day! Lottie, be shiny!
