Nineteen days

Hi,

Grieving is a very personal thing, some break down in tears, others have to get on with life even though they are hurting so much inside.

Your story related so much to my own when my wife died many years ago. Life does improve, but you will always have the happy memories to support you.

In the meantime we are all here for you - it's a great site for help and support as I'm sure you know.

Big Hugs,

Colin xxx

My mother was not an easy person to get on with, to put it mildly, and died peacefully in her sleep at age 94. Even so, sorting through her things was one of the hardest and most distressing things I've ever had to do. I don't know whether to suggest you leave your mum's stuff until you feel stronger, or do it now while things are still so raw it surely can't get much worse (can it?). I think it probably makes no difference, it's never going to be easy.

There's a lot to be said for keeping busy when you're grieving. It doesn't take your mind off it, exactly, but it's at least a distraction.

I hope people aren't really wondering why you're not more upset. The heck with them if they are, they'd have to be pretty insensitive. Grief is an entirely personal thing and, as I've said before, there is no timetable for it, and no laws about how we show it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

*hugs* and all good wishes,

Hilary

Hi Helen, I am sure people are not wondering for one minute why you are not wailing in front of them. they will assume you are putting on a brave face, which you are of course .

I didn't cry much when my mum died, (also too young and of cancer) but I think some of it was that fear of if I started I might never stop. It is such early days at the moment. everything will be raw. One day you will think today is the day i will clear her room and it will feel right and yes, you might cry at some of the things you find, but you will also smile too... as you will get to that stage of smiling when you remember her and smiling when you see her ring you kept rather than the heart break you currently have.  You will get there, I promise but it is a long and low journey so gentle steps one at a time...

Losing your mum makes you have to grow up. I didn't like that bit either. I have found ways round it, but I am 15years ahead of you on that one!

I wish you peacefulness and love in your heart till those days are amongst you. And as Colin said, we are all here for you in the meantime to understand... cos we do. Inside out.

Biggest hug to you Helen

Little Myxxx

Hi Helen

First of all {{{{{{{{{{massive hugs}}}}}}}}}}

You have only just started the grieving process hunni and it takes time to work through it.  I've still got my Mumsy but my Dad died when I was 19 and it took was 6 months before we found the courage to sort through Dad's things, cloths, etc.  I can't say whether it would have been any less distressing if we had done it earlier or later and I think LM is right - you will know yourself when the time is right for you to do it.

And as for taking over the role of getting on with stuff, you don't have to be the strong one all of the time.  Deligate some of it to someone else and give yourself a break.  You need to be kind to yourself.

One day, and it differs with each person, you will wake up and it will hurt a little less and this will go on until you reach the day when you can relieve all the memories and it won't hurt.  I know you will never stop missing her cos I still miss my Dad and he left us 34 years ago.

Much love,

Nin xxx

Hi Helen, It's been 5 and a bit months since my dad died. His coat is still in the hall of his and mum's house, where it always lived. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom and his clothes are still in the wardrobe. If you're fortunate enough to not have to sell your mum's house now then when you choose to move her stuff is entirely up to you, there's no rush. And it's perfectly normal not to be wailing like a banshee every time people see you, I don't, never did and neither did my brother, it doesn't mean you care any less or you're not hurting, it just means you deal with it in your own way. I hope you and your family are coping and I'm thinking of you all, love Vikki xxx