Round two happened on Friday just gone. M totally fine, I, however, have some nausea, can't sleep again and am quite restless - what's all that about? I think it's down to the fact I'm completely and utterly emotionally knackered. I've never felt so tired mentally as I do right now. The constant positive thoughts and cheery face, the constant reassuring other people he's going to be fine, he can be fixed is wearing a bit thin now. I'd love someone to ask how I am and mean it, not the whispered, 'how is he?' he hasn't lost his voice or his marbles and he could answer for himself if only they would ask him directly.
All the people who you expect to be around just haven't been, not even his sister, her life's carrying on quite nicely thank you very much and then she wonders why I don't respond to the jokey messages about us living in the north, bear in mind we live in Notts and she lives in Leicester, it's hardly the north south divide but apparently she believes we don't having running water up here and our streets are still cobbled, it's the superiority complex in her coming out. Normally she would have visited this month if only to see her niece but she now prefers to stay away and ring me for updates, when she's not in the pub or at a festival or going for a ride to the coast - how lovely that must all be.
I'm so tired, like msot carers are constantly, and just hoping that this gets better when the treatment's over and we're on the road to recovery because if not I'm unsure at the minute if I can stay the distance. I've already told M that once he's better I'll divorce him so I can have a lie in and a rest! He took it quite well but I tihnk he thought I was joking and I probably was but there are times I do think what if I wasn't!?
