I've had enough of this journey, can someone please stop the bus so I can get off? After finding out on Friday that M would need the GSF injections and collecting the kit on Monday I went into a bit of tizz as I'm borderline phobic of needles and I had been told one injection a day for seven days for the rest of treatment, we've a sharps bin big enough to accommodate needles for the next ten years that's just sat looking at me all the time. Every time I get a dose out of the fridge my hands start to shake and the sweats start; I had mentioned to M at the weekend I really must practice my pathetic look a bit more as one of our customers has a nurse in to do the injections as she can't inject herself and her husband 'doesn't fancy it' . I wasn't given the option, M's being very brave when I approach him with the needle but I'm so scared I'm going to hurt him or do it wrong and cause some damage.
He's got the tingling starting in his fingers now and his eyes have been really sore too. I'd love to go on Tuesday and have wet fish say they'll do the PET scan early and we can stop at four cycles - it's not going to happen but I have to have a dream.
My head is caving in at the minute with all the what if thoughts that I somehow must stop and get back to positive thinking. I just want it all over, I want my husband back, well and normal and how everything was, I want to scream every time we have dealings with the hospital and especially with the 'special' nurse. I e-mailed her about some concerns we had regarding not being told the exact truth about M's bloods and when she got round to replying she'd completely missed the point and so I now have massive trust issues that no doubt will go down like a lead balloon next week. Why can't these so called health care professionals see that telling people the truth is fundamental to the relationship, why does she have a job as a support nurse when she's never asked how we both are, why is she even there?
I want to stop asking him every verse end if he's ok and searching his eyes for whether he's telling me the truth or covering up how he really is, I want us to be able to go out and have a laugh and not have this shit hanging over us in every situation, conversation and event. I want to stop having to talk about it now to strangers, I want to not have to explain our private life to all and sundry that appear in the office wanting to know either where he is or how he is - I feel like our life has been made public property and we have no privacy left at all.
I do however wish I'd chosen my friends more carefully as nearly all of them have now disappeared now that cheerful, laughing Helen has been absent for a while, and no I can't come out for the day with the kids to the other side of the county - not being funny but M's ill and I need to be around.
I don't know how many more times I can stand to watch the chemo taking hold that little bit more and M fighting that little bit harder not to let it, it breaks my heart a bit more every time that needle goes in and the chemicals start being administered and then the watching and waiting starts again. I know having the chemo every two weeks gets it over with quicker but in some ways I wish we'd gone for 3 week cycles, just to give us a bit more a of a break in between, it's like being a on a never ending conveyer belt at the moment, the days go by in relation to what day of the cycle we are on and what drugs need to be taken and when.
Today is one of the days when enough is enough and worse of all I know I can't stop it and I know if they do then M's health would be at more risk with treatment not complete so we must carry on.
