Next Monday I finally find out if my SIRT has worked. To say I am terrified is an understatement, even though I am trying not to think about it and stay positive.
They told me from the beginning that the odds were not in my favour with just a 30% success rate at my stage. Obviously not what you want to hear when it seems to be your last chance. I've been keeping myself busy and trying to plan in stuff all the time so I don't spend my time thinking about it, but as it draws this close, I can't help but feel like it's all too much.
Chemo since the SIRT op has really taken it out of me, especially my last cycle last week. Just seem to need more and more sleep and get tired so quickly. It's so alien when I've been able to keep on top of it until recently. Working is getting exhausting but I don't want to not come in as it's keeping me busy.
More and more little things seem to set me off now, luckily I'm at home mostly when it happens but just feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to worry friends and family as I don't think they can handle seeing me that way when I'm always so together. I know that sounds ridiculous as they'd be devastated to think that I was holding back for that reason but I don't feel like there's anyone I can just grab and cry with without anything being said and just allowing to let go of it all.
What's worse is it's almost a year exactly since I was diagnosed. I've got so many memories of the fun stuff I was doing just before it as well as the awfulness of what followed soon after and it's all coming to a head again this year.
Have told my family I'm getting the results later than I actually am. If it doesn't go in my favour I need to deal with it my head a bit before I can tell them. Don't know how I would even start that conversation.
over and out.
