I have good news lately with the new that the first Sirtex treatment worked, to what extent they didn't really tell me. Second dose results are still a good 8 weeks away, so I will be probing them more. I'm hoping that most of them, like 90% will have shrunk and be responding. If not I think I am still in a fair bit of trouble.
When i first spoke to the oncologist about my scans and the tumours, I had the number 5 in my head. It seems to be my unlucky number. That would have been a result, as the number he actually came out with was 20. 20 tumours. And then it got worse when they realised that the oxiliplatin wasn't working. I'd had 4 doses by then so in the mean time the existing tumours had grown and I had also developed new ones. Brilliant. So it shouldn't be too much of a surprise how hesitant I am about how many have responded. People think I'm being negative about it. I'm not, it's just from what I've read about others who have had the treatment it doesn't always work on all the tumours, and I really need a bg number to respond or a resection will never happen, and the writing will be on the wall. Other people can't see that bit, but it's all I have in my mind. I so need this to really, really work.
I am so tired of all the scans and appointments, and ops. not to mention the chemo which kicks in again next week. I'll be up to cycle 21. A whole year with barely any break.
I am trying to do some creative writing about all of this so I can get it all off my chest and say how it all really feels. Haven't got too far yet as I keep going back and changing things and I haven't got past the day I found out yet. But hey I'm hoping I've got time to finish it in my own time.
I seem to be the only person my age on here who is this advanced in bowel cancer. My Liver is just riddled with tumours and the joke is I barely had any symptoms. And to have no history of it in my family it's not like I would have been alive to looking out for signs. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it all feels so unfair that I found out so late. Everyone seems to have had pain for ages and were still no further than stage 3. Granted that is still quite advanced but you can come back from it. I felt like I was done for from the start. It's only now that I have a flicker of a candle at the end of the tunnel that I'm clinging on to.
It's amazing how much you take for granted when you're well. I miss going out with my friends so much, but barely have the energy anymore. And as for romance, well, if you don't leave the house then that's never going to be an issue. Some what gutting when there is someone you really like, and have done since before you got diagnosed, but you know it would just be heartbreaking to start as you're lucky to have the energy to cook for yourself let alone go out on dates and maintain a relationship. I hate how much this illness has taken away from me. The one amazing thing it has given me is the biggest support group of friends ever. I never knew people could care so much, let alone about me.
I still haven't cried in front of my mum. I know how scared she is but I don't want her to see that I am too. I hope i never have to tell her I'm not going to get better.
