I've been really trying hard to start living with having lost mum, desperately trying to focus on mum's wishes that we "'keep going for her, and look after each other" . Small steps - going to youngest son,Kieran's carol singing, facing family get together yesterday for Jordan's 15th birthday (he found it quite hard without his gran I think, we all did). Memories of mum are with me every turn of the way, some make me smile and some make me cry but all make me miss her desperately. This is not an easy transition from have to have not.
I thought that this week I was making small progress, then today happened! Had Jordan's hospital appt, for his ongoing illness (m.e had been tentatively diagnosed but blood abnormalities going on too which we need to get to bottom of - prob going to have bone marrow biopsy). Consultant now referred him to haematologist so should hear soon with appt. Thats ok, am dealing with that, trying not to think any negative thoughts , just want him to be well again and be a normal teenager.
What has really sent me back those two steps was some really difficult news about one of our team mums!! Hubby runs a handball team for kids from 8 to 16 and we are a very close knit team. One of the team mums has been living with stomach cancer for a few years and has been admitted to hospital regularly over the last year. Found out today from her devastated hubby that she was admitted to marie curie hospice yesterday and not expected to make it to christmas.I cannot comprehend this - her children are 9 and 12. I cannot begin to express the sorrow I feel for them, for all of them. Im 40 and the loss of my mum has hit me hard, they are just babes. I know that like all mums, she worries not for herself but for her children. I am filled with a deep sadness of the future being snatched from them so cruelly. This life is so fragile.
Today I find myself asking, once again, Why??
