Before anyone else reads this, I have just read it back myself. It seems like a selfish ramble when so many here are being so positive in dealing with what life has thrown at them. feel free to skip by this, I have found it therapeutic to get my thoiughts out but they are not the positives I would like them to be:~
Hi xx
I haven't written this for a few weeks, have been feeling pretty low and had told myself that there was no point writing down negative thoughts as they are not going to help others going through a similar loss.
But here I am , eight weeks and 2 days since Mum died, 4 months on from Mum's terminal diagnosis, which came only 3 weeks after she found out she had cancer . Even as I write it, I cannot believe that just 5 months ago,we were blissfuly unaware of what was to follow. I still expect to see her or speak to her when the phone rings. Im not sure that I have accepted that she is gone yet. I need to put down my thoughts today but I wish that I could write something positive.
Since Mum died, I've been in hospital 3 times with lung problems, my eldest son is having a really difficult time with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (M.E), my husband has undergone a colonoscopy (thankfuly clear) and I have become some-one that I don't like very much!! I am still miserable, short-tempered, desperately missing my mum, worrying about my son and not sure how to turn things around. I know that this is all part of grieving, but with Christmas approaching fast I have so far not been able to think about shopping etc.
I did go into a card shop with the intention of buying family cards, and found myself really upset by all the words and the Mum cards as well as the christmas songs playing and envious of all the people so obviously out shopping with their Mums. Tomorrow my youngest son (12) will be singing christmas songs in a shopping centre with his dance/theatre school for the arrival of santa clause to the centre. I normally love this, but am dreading tomorrow - how will I get through it without breaking down. Mum should be there.
I don't cry every day, it's more of a sadness deep inside me that overshadows everything else. I don't really want to see most of my friends because they seem to think that I should be getting over it by, and I really dont feel sociable. The anniversary of losing my father-in-law to bowel cancer is on the 22nd of this month, and next months it will be 10 years since I lost my wonderful Nan on the 20th December. I can think of them and not feel the raw hurt anymore, although I still miss them both every day. I know that eventually it will be the same for Mum, but right now I just miss her so much. The bad and painful experiences keep popping into my head and as yet they wont allow me to replace them with good memories. Mum was unbelievably brave, protecting us from so much of what she went through and she wanted us to pick up our lives and get on with things after she was gone (easier said than done.) .
I am worried about my son because he is so unwell and missing school too much, worried that I am driving a wedge between me and my family by being so unhappy and grumpy (hubby has been good at just getting on with things but I know that he thinks Ive got permanent PMT!). I also worry for my wonderful brother-in-law, who has been living with terminal oesophageal cancer . I have never feared cancer or death before ( i have had several brushes with death due to my brittle asthma) but I now find myself worrying about losing someone else that I love. It was very hard to watch Mum's rapid deterioration and the pain she suffered , feeling helpless . Not sure how I would find strength to go through that again, am almost fearful for my brother-in-law. I never used to worry about things, just took each day as it came. What has happened to me?
When I read on here, I see people who are upbeat and positive, dealing with their own difficult situations and being incredibly brave about them. It humbles me. I feel very selfish that at present I am so negative and ashamed that I seem to be dwellling on the bad and not the good. I want the old me back, the person I was before Mums cancer stole that part of me away. I am working hard to find me again.
I have been supported tremendously by all my friends on here, thank you so much for being there when I have needed an ear. To those of you caring for a loved one, to everyone who has lost someone that they cared about and to everyone fighting a brave fight themselves, I would like to send my love and ((hugs)) to you. Cancer is a very difficult journey whatever the outcome, and this site has made it more bearable xx
Sharonxx
