Well, its been ten days now since mum passed, and 3 days since the funeral. I don't know what I feel anymore, numb, raw, desolate.
My 3 children are missing their gran desperately, they were wonderful on Tuesday, they had never been to a funeral before but their granny would have been so proud! There was a heartwarming wonderful turn out, about 170 at the funeral and we raised £620 for the Marie Curie Hospice (where Mum had hoped to be but there was not a bed when she needed it). The Minister made the service uplifting and personal, just as Mum had hoped for when she arranged it. He played her choice of songs (Country roads and One day at a time) on his guitar and we genuinely had a celebration of her life.Thank you Rev Andy, (no thanks to funeral directors who have been diabolical and whom I will discuss at a later date).
I keep picking up the phone to tell Mum something, then it hits me all over again. And every time the phone rings I still expect it to be her. Each time I fall asleep I wake up and remember that she is gone and my heart aches. Mum was my best friend, my confidante, my inspiration. I know that she wanted us to be strong and get on with life, but right now I cant bear to put my head out the door. The children are back at school and being very brave, but I feel as though there is a huge hole in my life. Only now is my stepdad starting to grieve, my heart goes out to him - he made my mums last few months bearable and he has been a rock, but he has lost the love of his life and I see my pain echoed tenfold on his face.
Mum was incredibly brave, she never complained about her cancer or wallowed in pity. She accepted that she could do nothing to change the inevitible and did her best to live from day to day, but she had less than 3 months from diagnosis and I feel sad that she was denied the chance to take a last holiday or spend her days by the sea (the pain from all the tumours took hold very quickly and she was confined to her home/bed very quickly). But she protected us throughout, and managed to be as positive as she could when we were with her. I wish I could find some of that strength now that she is gone.
I've had a bout of pneumonia since coming out of hospital (only just diagnosed yesterday after feeling dreadful for the past two weeks) and I think that it is contributing to feeling so low, but hopefuly now Im on the right antibiotics I will soon feel well again.I wish that my heartache could be as easily fixed, I know that time will ease my pain but right now I just want my Mum.
Sharonxx
