I haven't blogged for a little while, for once I just don't know how I feel or how to put it in to words.
I think that I feel numb , I am angry, I feel that I should have had my mum for so much longer and I feel desperately unhappy that I will never feel her arms around me again. Mum was the first person I turned to when something bad happened, the first person I phoned with good news. She always listened, never judged and was always there. And now shes gone.
I'm short tempered with my hubby and kids, don't seem to find much to smile about, am trying to keep life normal for everyone else when inside I just feel like I am screaming all the time. I'm not breaking down and crying really, its more a feeling inside me that my life has suddenly been turned upside down and I don't have control any more. I am lucky, I have my husband and three children so why do I feel so alone in my grief.
I wish that I could feel my mum's arms around me one more time, hear her tell me that everything will be okay. She wouldn't want me to be like this, she was adamant that we should pick ourselves up and get on with living. How hard that is, I know that is what she wanted but right now I just can't.
I know that I am probably still feeling low after the pneumonia and 2 hospital stays so its probaly partly to blame for how I feel just now. My hubby just quietly gets on with things, my daughter sometimes cries in bed at night and my sons are very quiet. I try to be normal around them all but they are picking up that all is not as bright as I try to make out.
I don't want to feel like this because I know its not what Mum wanted, but I can't help missing her so much. I still had so many things I wanted to do with her, so many places still to see, so many new memories that we had to make.
Christmas fills me with dread. I know that I will have to go through the motions for the children, but normally Mum and I do all our shopping together with much laughing and a few lunches thrown in as well. I dont think that I can face it without her. I never knew that I would feel so bad, my husband loves me very much and I should count my blessings I know. I try to tell myself this and dont want to be full of self pity, but what it comes down to is that I am a 40 year old woman who just needs her mum.xx
