Hi all
Been a rollercoaser of emotions this week. After my birthday/party/mums birthday last weekend, Mum has been getting weaker each day just as I had feared. Then on Tuesday I was admitted to hospital as my brittle asthma had become so severe that I couldnt ignore it any longer (had been in a downward spiral for a week and had been trying hard to just get on with it).
Anyway , I phoned my sister from hospital yesterday morning and as soon as she answered she got really upset. At first I though that Mum has ..well you can guess what I was thinking. When she calmed down, she explained that mum has made the very difficult decision that the time has come for her to go into the hospice as she is too weak to even get up from a chair without help. My stepdad is distraught as he is desperate to continue looking after her at home and doesnt want to her to go in. Mum wants to lessen his load and ours, and I understand that but it must be so hard for her as she knows that when she leaves home, she wont be returning. G.p is sorting things out, no beds available yesterday or today, but he will phone us on Monday.
I cant quite believe that only 2 months after her terminal diagnosis , and less than 3 months since this journey started, Mum is on the final stretch of the highway that has been her life. In hospital yesterday I was not able to vent my emotions, but since coming home today I am finding it really hard. My mum means the world to me, we are very close as my dad and her split when I was 15 and for several years it was just her and me (my brother and sister had both left home by then). Mum has always been feisty, fiercely independant and never in her life looked to others for help. She is my rock, my inspiration,my hero. How can I face her not being here? Every week that has passes I have tried to prepare for the inevitable, but I cant. I dont want my Mum to die. I dont want to imagine a life without her in it. I still need her.
And throughout all of this, she has been incredibly strong and brave, still trying to protect us from the realities of this dreadful disease. But it is a fight she cannot win, and now she has nothing left to fight with.
My daugter turned over the tv and The film Mama Mia was on. She then had to contend with me being a blubbering wreck, I bought the DVD last christmas for mum to watch, how we have laughed and cried at that feel good factor it gives you, but without mum it will never be the same. And my children should not be losing their gran while they are still young, my nan died when I was 30 and I was still devastaved then...still am.
I know that I need to find the strength to deal with the days and weeks ahead,mum needs us to be as strong as she has been. But I dont think that I can be as strong as I need to be right now. My mum,who asks for nothing, deserves the worldxxx
Sharonxx
