I want to hide under the bedcovers today and not come out. Mum has been so unwell since starting morphine slow release and oramorph on Thurday. Changed to fast acting top tablets, but today had an appointment with her oncologist, which she made 4 weeks ago when she was still relatively okay.
But now she cant sit up due to the pain, and had to lie in the car on top of a duvet to get to hospital! I was unable to go with her, but my stepdad managed (just) to get her to her appointment. Doc took one look and within minutes had a morphine pump fitted into her stomach?? Wants her to get stent fitted in next few days to allow her to swallow fluids (think theyve given up on solids). But because mum has two cancers raging through her (as well as oesphogeal tumour she has multiple tumours all over her body under the skin from unknown origin ) the pain is an even bigger problem than the swallowing.
Anyway, I have sat by the phone all day waiting for my stepdad to call and let me know what was happening, and finally caved at 4pm and text him to say I just wondered what was happening . And heres why Im beng so upset - irrationaly probably. He text back - answer your phone then!!! Now I have sat all day clutching both the house phone and the mobile and he has not phoned either!! My sis just phoned to let me know he had only just phoned her to tell her the news. BUt for some reason I am really upset by his text. He is caring for my mum really well, but seems to be having a tendancy to shut me and my sis out (probably unintentional). I have been with my mum most days this week but with 3 children going back to school on Thursday, Ive had to used today to get things organised (I dont know if Im coming or going lol). I dont want to upset him, but I felt really hurt when I read the text as if he was having a go.
Its 50miles trip to/from my mums so I cant just pop round, I wish I could be therre all the time and my stepdad (who I get on well with) is becoming overprotective of my mum. He cant shut us out...we need to know whats happening too. I know im rambling here, but the last few days have been really tough and I think Im floundering a bit here!! Its all happened so fast, 7 weeks ago she was fine, then 4 weeks ago she was terminal, and now shes really ill. I dont feel ready to lose her yet, she means so much to me. I cant expres how I feel, but I wish the world would go away.
