Christmas Day went well, as did Boxing Day. There were tears, epecially when my daughter presented me with a poem she had written about her gran, and again at the dinner table when I felt upset that her space was empty, but on the whole it was a lovely day that Mum would have be delighted by, and one that my 3 wonderful children really deserved as they have been so fantastic this year, which has been the most difficult year of their young lives.
Now, I don't know why but I have woken up today feeling a bit down, thinking about new year now. Spent yesterday with my Stepdad, and I know that it is even harder for him. I just don't feel ready to say 'My Mum died last year' : as I already think that most of my friends who still have their parents think that I should be getting over Mums death by now, but I actually feel like its only just now starting to sink in that she is not coming back. And while I will be glad that this year and all its horror is coming to and end, it almost feels as though when the bells chime, I will be leaving a part of me behind in the old year. I know that sounds silly but I'm almost scared to let this year go.
My sister has decided that instead of going to bed as she had planned, she is now having a Hogmanay Party for friends and family. My children are desperate to go as they love being with their cousins and I would not deny them a party, but I am worried that I am going to be a killjoy. I really still don't feel like being at a party, and the thoughts of wishing lots of people a 'Happy New Year' scares me, last New year I had no idea of what was ahead for my family - to go into a New Year without my Mum seems inconceivable. I was actually feeling that I was doing quite well, that I coped well with Christmas. But I am really scared that I will fall apart at New Year.
So why do I feel like this today?
Sharonxx
