Well, another month has passed since I lost Mum and how do I feel?
Some things are getting easier, and some seem to be getting harder. Daily , things have settled back into their humdrum routine, with the exception of the noteable absence of our twice daily phonecalls and our twice weekly trips to the coffee shop or lunch. Oh and the hugs, and the knowledge that there was someone out there who always had my corner, no,matter what.
Friends have stopped asking how I am, if they can avoid mentioning Mum they do. Clearing out mums wardrobes was hard, but not unbearable. PIcking up her cardigan and smelling her scent on it today was harder, much harder. My daughter choose to keep one of mums cosy cardis to wrap herself in, when I picked it up this morning and held it I was instantly transported back to mums arms, how I cried, it just really got me unexpectedly. And yesterday, saw an advert for Mothers day Lunch (already)!! Felt a huge ache in the pit of my stomach at the very thought of a Mothers day celebration without Mum (i know I'm a mum too, but it will be very hard this year.) I'll get through it though, because I am my mother's daughter.
My stepdad is coping better now, is going on holiday soon with friends. I am glad that he is managing to keep living, Mum wanted that.
So Mum, Im trying , really I am. This time last year we were still blissfuly unaware and happy . We still had the usual worries about money and life in general and I was (and still am) in and out of hospital regularly, but they all paled into insignificance when the big C raised its ugly head . How I wish that those had been our only worries. You were so courageous Mum, never complaining and always worrying about us. You were taken so quickly, I dont think it had even sunk in before you were gone. I think of you every day, and I can smile when I remember all our antics, but I wish with every ounce of my (not inconsiderable) being that you were still physically here to laugh with me. Its all very well you still being around, but I actually would much rather you were here you know!!! You're a hard act to follow, Mum.xx
Ellie is running the Race for Life again, I know you will be with her, and how you would have laughed at the thought of her managing to stay silent for 12 hours!! She says she knows you were watching.
So where does that leave me? I am healing albeit slowly, I dont cry every day still but I do still feel like crying at some point every day. I smile when I remember our happy holidays, I know that life does go on but it is not the same, it is a different life. I think that anyone who has lived through cancer or had to watch a loved one pass from cancer is changed in some way. Life seems different, more precious and yet more fragile. I have changed and hopefuly through time I can put those changes to good use. I have learnt that people from all walks of life can come together through a common bond, and that sometimes the best of friends are those we have yet to meet. I have felt loved by those I have never met, and realised that despite the daily bombardment of harrowing tales that we see every day on the news, humanity and compassion for others is still very much in existence, right here.
I still miss you more than words can say Mumxx
