Wednesday January 26th - Hope!?!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

26 Jan 2011

The saying goes ‘Hope springs eternal!’ People say ‘Don’t give up hope!’, ‘There is always hope!’ but how do we know?

I’ve said those very words many times before, sometimes to myself, sometimes to others who’ve needed reassurance and always believed them but what happens when you can’t see any hope? When things feel hopeless? When no matter how hard you try to convince yourself there is hope you no longer believe it?

I go back to my light at the end of the tunnel. Once or twice I’ve thought I’ve seen a small chink of light at the end of my tunnel and this has given me hope but I’ve no sooner seen it and it’s snuffed out.

When my mum was first diagnosed I believed there was no hope but then the treatment got rid of the cancer. It was a miracle and my hope was restored. Throughout the following months I held onto this hope, I let it grow and shine brightly at the end of the tunnel. Even when mum had a bad day I held onto my hope and believed in it wholeheartedly, at least to begin with, but then my hope began to fade as I sensed something wasn’t quite as it should be. On October 14^th 2010 my hope was snuffed out once again. Since then I have tried to find my light at the end of the tunnel, my hope, but although I’ve seen the occasional chink of light my hope is not yet springing eternal!

I've been reading all the positive posts on this site and can’t fail to admire the positivity of those battling with this awful cruel disease; patients, carers, family and friends alike. I think of the positive, hopeful, posts I made when mum was going through treatment. If I had a penny for the number of times I've told people ‘anything’s possible’ (as wee Charly Johns says) and told them not to give up hope. Now I look at my posts and find that they’re all so negative and I realise that’s not healthy on a site like this where people are looking for hope that everything will be ok.

So tonight I’ve decided that this will be my last blog until such times as I can contribute positively again to this community. I don’t know when this will be but I hope it won’t be too long! Thanks to all of you on here for the support you’ve given me over the past 15 months. XX

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Caroline

Can only agree wholeheartedly with everything that Nic has said. Your blogs will be important to many people in a similar situation to yours. They offer much insight into grief, from personal thoughts that will tell them that no, they are not going mad, to your work situation which will help them understand procedures.

Your blogs are also important to me. Throughout my illness you were in Chat, I enjoyed your company many times when I myself felt really low. I could always count on you for sound, sensible opinions and fun conversation. I understand why you no longer come in so much but many of us miss you. Through your blogs I get to 'hear' how you are, have an opportunity to offer support, a word of comfort.

So please don't stop blogging, I for one would miss them. They are not negative, just realistic and as I said before a comfort to many to know they are not going crazy, not many people take the time to put their thoughts on here. I for one wish I had done so.

Massive hugs

Maxine xxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Thanks Nic, Sharon and Maxine. I wish we all lived closer to each other. I've never met any of you and yet I feel you are such good friends. I'm not going anywhere and will always be here for you and my other mac friends. I will still read posts and contribute if I feel I have something helpful to offer, will pop into chat from time to time and will keep in touch by PM or text. If you ever need me you know where I am. You don't get rid of me that easily!!!! XX
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

You do not need to worry about being negative. You are a massive part of the community and we are here to support you as you have supported others.

Please take care, I hope that sometime soon the pain of your loss starts to lift but until that time you know there are so many people here for you, to listen to you, to sympathise or empathise.lx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

OK Caroline know you are a lady and no matter how you have hurt I have never heard you swear - so this seems out of place but 'Bums' !!.

Just what do you think this site is about ? 'Dear Patient, Carer and Ex-carers - please only post positive thought on here' Never ever mention you loved someone more than your own life, That you loved cared and defied the professions that said 'Mum must die in Hospital' - because we know best ! You brought Mum home, Cared and dedicated your Life to her, She had a special wish you granted - let me come Home, you did it and nothing will ever take that away.

No need to you keep beating yourself up or feel that your posts are negative, They are not negative - You are sharing your deepest emotional hurt with your friends - you are verbalising what other find hard to put into words and letting other know they are 'Normal' That others who feel they have lost a limb is something so many know and understand. There is no right pace or time scale - we heal at our own pace and maybe slip a few times - but we are us - not robots or machines

Your heart is broken and you feel your life is empty but can I remind you how Christmas day ? was. I know you dreaded it !

I thought you were surrounded by love and warmth from your family - you got through Christmas mate - because you had loving family to help - remember ?

Well mate listen and understand now this ! - We are your Mac Family and we hurt when you hurt - we smile when you smile - what we never do is turn our backs or condemn - so come on Caroline - don't turn your back or reject us. Please stay with us ? I know how negative life can seem at time - been there - but you know that because you posted on my blog, when I turned the corner, to tell me you would be here and support me !

Never ever feel you are being negative when you share how you are - most of us have been there and we all know how that tunnel feels. We all walk down that tunnel and maybe even see a false light at times - but when you walk with others you can travel faster and with confidence that you will stumble less often - so will you let your friends hold your hands please - we need your love and support as much as you need ours - thats what family's do !

Caroline - you are a Special Lady and a friend, an integral part of the site - will you stay and support me please as well as so many others ?

Love and Hugs

John xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

one of the things that is so valuable about this site is, its an opportunity to share your true feelings,we cant allways be positive in the face of illness and when you lose someone you love, the pain can be so overwhelming that it is physical, wether we are carerers or patients we always have to suppress our real feelings in order to protect others,here is a place to let it out, i am new to this site but already i find great comfort from posting and reading about others, i understand you have done your bit to help others, so stay and we will try to give you a little tlc you deserve it! lol lynxxxxxxxxx
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