The saying goes ‘Hope springs eternal!’ People say ‘Don’t give up hope!’, ‘There is always hope!’ but how do we know?
I’ve said those very words many times before, sometimes to myself, sometimes to others who’ve needed reassurance and always believed them but what happens when you can’t see any hope? When things feel hopeless? When no matter how hard you try to convince yourself there is hope you no longer believe it?
I go back to my light at the end of the tunnel. Once or twice I’ve thought I’ve seen a small chink of light at the end of my tunnel and this has given me hope but I’ve no sooner seen it and it’s snuffed out.
When my mum was first diagnosed I believed there was no hope but then the treatment got rid of the cancer. It was a miracle and my hope was restored. Throughout the following months I held onto this hope, I let it grow and shine brightly at the end of the tunnel. Even when mum had a bad day I held onto my hope and believed in it wholeheartedly, at least to begin with, but then my hope began to fade as I sensed something wasn’t quite as it should be. On October 14th 2010 my hope was snuffed out once again. Since then I have tried to find my light at the end of the tunnel, my hope, but although I’ve seen the occasional chink of light my hope is not yet springing eternal!
I've been reading all the positive posts on this site and can’t fail to admire the positivity of those battling with this awful cruel disease; patients, carers, family and friends alike. I think of the positive, hopeful, posts I made when mum was going through treatment. If I had a penny for the number of times I've told people ‘anything’s possible’ (as wee Charly Johns says) and told them not to give up hope. Now I look at my posts and find that they’re all so negative and I realise that’s not healthy on a site like this where people are looking for hope that everything will be ok.
So tonight I’ve decided that this will be my last blog until such times as I can contribute positively again to this community. I don’t know when this will be but I hope it won’t be too long! Thanks to all of you on here for the support you’ve given me over the past 15 months. XX
