As many of you will know my boss has been so supportive throughout my mums illness. During the last 12 months I have been able to come and go as I want, going in to teach lessons and then coming home to mum. I attended every appointment mum had including all her chemo and RT. When mum went into hospital on September 21st I was put on compassionate leave and haven't been back to work since. My boss came to see me on the Monday after mum died and I made it clear that my intention was that I would aim to be back in January. The girl who's covering for me at work, and who is a good friend, had warned me that my boss wanted me to get straight back after half term, which was last week, as she thought it would be the best thing for me.
Yesterday I emailed my boss to re-iterate my plan to return after Christmas and to ask if I should now visit my GP and get him to sign me off. I clarified that I was really grateful for her support and that I understood that she could not continue to offer that level of support indefinitely. I also said that I could see that she might think it better for me to get back sooner but that I just don't feel strong enough. As yet she has not responded but I phoned my friend at lunch time and she told me that my boss had asked to speak to her early yesterday morning, before I sent the email, to say she thought it would be better to get me back sooner and that she was going to try and get me to come back in December.
At that point I dissolved in tears and had to hang up. The problem is my boss lost her mum a couple of years ago and was back in school about 2 days after the funeral and one or two other colleagues have been similar recently. Obviously that was the best way for them but everyone's different. I have some big anniversaries coming up before Christmas and I just can't contemplate going back to what is a very challenging environment while I feel so vulnerable and unstable.
I've never been good at this time of year as my dad died on December 19th 1983 and his funeral was on Christmas eve. When everyone else is in party mode I usually descend lower and lower as I approach Christmas and I know this year is going to be even harder. She has been so good to me and that makes it even harder so that I am worrying about it constantly. Having just found out that she has spoken to Suzanne about me has upset and angered me. How dare she speak to someone else about me. Surely she would have been better to speak to me?
Now I don't know what to do. Do I go to my GP and ask him to sign me off sick now? Is she right should I go back sooner? Do I even want to go back at all? I have given almost 20 years of my life to that place. I was 100% career woman, moving up the ranks to Assistant Head, through sheer hard work and commitment to the kids. I spent hours and hours of my own time running clubs and trips in the UK and abroad, in fact, I am due to take 90 kids to Disneyland Paris in May next year. I have always loved my job but when mum was diagnosed my priorities changed. During the last 12 months I have struggled to cope with the daily challenges I have faced at a school, in one of the most deprived areas of the country, where so many of the kids have huge emotional baggage.
Recently I have even thought that perhaps a career change was be a good idea. My present job affords me a very comfortable lifestyle but money isn't everything. I watched some wonderful people caring for my mum in her final days and have even thought that maybe that's what I should be doing. I've always said I could never nurse or care for someone but now that I've cared for mum for 12 months I think I could do it, that I might even be good at it, and that it would be very rewarding. I don't mean train to be a nurse but to be a care assistant or something similar in a hospice or in the community. Something I have also thought about for a long time is fostering. I love kids but have never met the right person and so have none of my own but I feel I could offer youngsters a caring home where they could flourish and I've seen many kids at school who are in care and who would benefit from love and stability.
As you can see there's a lot going on my head and I'm old enough not to make rash decisions. I just need time and space. Other people have told me that going back to work, immediately after losing a loved one, has been a good thing as it's given them a focus other than their loss and I can appreciate that, but I did that when I lost my dad and suffered a complete meltdown 5 years later as a resul,t so I'm not going to go down that road again.
Oh well yet another rant. I am in absolute turmoil and just don't know what to do but do know that work worries should not be my priority at the moment so I need to get it sorted as a matter of urgency. I hope she contacts me soon so that I can deal with it and then put it away. Only then will I be able to give myself time to come to terms with my situation and work though my grief.
