May 14th 2011 - Devastated 7 months on.

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

14 May 2011

It's 7 months today since I lost my best friend in the world, my lovely wee mum. Many of you have followed my journey as I began to take small steps back into the world after the biggest loss of my life. After 5 months away from work I returned on a phased return and felt quite positive that I was getting there. So why is it today that I feel so devastated? I am absolutely distraught and feel as if I have gone backwards.

I'm struggling at work and in a meeting with my Head yesterday she told me that everyone says I seem angry, that I'm not wanting to engage and am just going through the motions of being there. I know she's right. I have felt myself getting lower and lower since I went back after Easter and rather than dissolve in tears publicly I have put up a brick wall, a hard exterior, to get me through each day. I don't mean to do it I just don't seem to be able to help it. I just put my head down and avoid eye contact and I now realise I am still very depressed and think that, perhaps, I've gone back to work too soon. I'm terrified of losing my job but don't feel I can take on the 6th form course that I agreed to give a go about 5 months before mum passed away.

Colette can't offer me an alternative and is pushing for me to do this but I don't want to let her and, more to the point, the kids down. The trouble is I would have to keep a couple of steps ahead of the kids in terms of getting to grips with the content of the course, something I would usually have no problem with and have done a number of times in my career. The thing is, at the moment, I have the concentration of a gnat! I can't even watch a full TV programme or read a book. I've tried to sit down and get a grip of the course a number of times since I went back and it's like reading a foreign language.

I am feeling very scared and panicky. My self esteem has gone through the floor and I just feel that I haven't got the energy, or the will, to pick myself up and give it a go. Colette keeps saying I have to decide whether I really can't do it, or whether it's just because of how I am feeling at the moment. The trouble is I don't know. Everyone says it's just because my confidence has been knocked and I don't have any self belief at the moment. I keep being advised not to make any rash decisions that I'll regret. Colette says she knows I can do it and it's just my emotional state at the moment but what if it isn't? Sorry, that's my rant over. I'm just so uncertain of everything just now. I should have been out with my adopted family tonight celebrating Gillians 50th with a lovely meal at our favourite Indian Restaurant and instead I have sat here with a bouncing headache and cried my eyes out most of the night. What a mess!

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hello celiswan, you really have come so far. You are stumbling though and you are bing a bit hard on yourself. Your mum was pivotal and is pivotal to us all and she's only been gone 7 months. Life goes on but when we grieve there is no time limit and your grief is very raw. I get the feeling you may need a little help in the form of counselling. A lot of people don't like the sound of that but, believe me, I was helped a great deal many years ago just by getting everything out on the table and taking a look and assessing things. Your mum loved you unconditionally and you her. You now need to be able to cry for yourself and let go. Its not a mess, its real and I send you a hug. I hope you get a little help for yourself as you have so much more of an adventure to experience. God bless, love Ann x
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 13 years ago

Caroline !!

OK mate - first can I give you a big friendly hug !!

Know you are hurting and no platitudes - you have been honest with us - so ok - be honest with colette please - do not take on something you are not comfortable with - she is a friend as well as your boss ask her advice

Accept you need some support - do not push water uphill love - oops norther phrase but it is a friendly word - if Colette cannot help can I suggest you have a chat with your doc ?

Nothing wrong with hurting or being depressed - you lost your Mum and your best friend and 7 months is nothing - the wounds are raw !! - if you need time out - take it mate - Work can wait - your health and wellbeing can't !! Only the weak use denial !!

Caroline - Please you are grieving and need to go at your pace - not one someone else thinks is right - we are here to listen - but you need to make the choices - honest - what ever your choice is right and we will be here and ready to give you a hug and our support - so go Caroline Go !!

I know you can do it - but lets slow down and go at your pace please ?

Love and hugs Caroline

Your mac Mate

J xx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Caroline, I lost my dad 13 months ago and I am still going through all the stages of grief.

I have been on antidepressants for a while now and still need them, so it might be worthwhile having a chat with your GP and see if there is anything they can prescribe to help you cope. Nothing wrong with asking for some help now and again.

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, but don't be too hard on yourself by expecting that you should be moving on by now. I haven't moved on and have realised that I will have to do things in my own time whether others expect me to have moved on or not. To be honest, I find that most people are understanding and tell me that a year is no time at all, so I don't feel like a fraud.

Sending you some love and strength, Christine xx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 13 years ago

Oh Caroline

Sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. John has (as usual) said everything I would say to you, but he puts it so much better than I could.

However, may I suggest that you print your post, book an appointment with your GP and take it with you and show it to him/her. If you're anything like me, you will become speechless and forget what you wanted to say as soon as you get in there and if he asks "How are you", that's it, finished, blubbering wreck.

You have done so well and are you are still doing well. You can still do it, just not at the moment.

You convince yourself you cant do it, so you lose confidence and because you lose confidence you convince yourself you can't do it - you need to break the cycle.

Think of the positive things and achievements you have made so far, I bet there's loads of things when you think about it.

Break things down into little goals rather than trying to take on the complete task. You will see that you are actually doing well and achieving more than you thought you were.

Sending you a supportive hug.

Jo x
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 13 years ago

Dear Caroline,

Today you were in my thoughts as always on the 14th of the month, but even I could hardly believe it's 7 months since you lost your Mum. If I found it hard to realise it's been 7 months - then, no wonder you are struggling. As Ann has said, your Mum was pivotal and still is. You are such a lovely lady and so supportive of so many people, but now you maybe need to allow others to support you for a while? Counselling, tablets, tears, hugs, time just for you, time with others - whatever you need, whenever you need it.

As John says - we know you CAN do it, but in your own time! As Christine says - it's early days and Nic says anger is only natural. Jo's suggestion of printing out your post here and taking it with you to see your doctor, or one in the practise you can feel comfortable with, is a really sensible suggestion. I think we are all saying that we know you ARE capable and can do anything you decide to do confidentally, but your grief has knocked your confidence and has maybe set up a vicious circle that you, somehow, need to break. We are here for you, if we can help. In the meantime, take care. God bless.

Love and hugs, Rose x x x (((((((((hugs))))))) x x x
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel