May 14th 2011 - Devastated 7 months on.

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

14 May 2011

It's 7 months today since I lost my best friend in the world, my lovely wee mum. Many of you have followed my journey as I began to take small steps back into the world after the biggest loss of my life. After 5 months away from work I returned on a phased return and felt quite positive that I was getting there. So why is it today that I feel so devastated? I am absolutely distraught and feel as if I have gone backwards.

I'm struggling at work and in a meeting with my Head yesterday she told me that everyone says I seem angry, that I'm not wanting to engage and am just going through the motions of being there. I know she's right. I have felt myself getting lower and lower since I went back after Easter and rather than dissolve in tears publicly I have put up a brick wall, a hard exterior, to get me through each day. I don't mean to do it I just don't seem to be able to help it. I just put my head down and avoid eye contact and I now realise I am still very depressed and think that, perhaps, I've gone back to work too soon. I'm terrified of losing my job but don't feel I can take on the 6th form course that I agreed to give a go about 5 months before mum passed away.

Colette can't offer me an alternative and is pushing for me to do this but I don't want to let her and, more to the point, the kids down. The trouble is I would have to keep a couple of steps ahead of the kids in terms of getting to grips with the content of the course, something I would usually have no problem with and have done a number of times in my career. The thing is, at the moment, I have the concentration of a gnat! I can't even watch a full TV programme or read a book. I've tried to sit down and get a grip of the course a number of times since I went back and it's like reading a foreign language.

I am feeling very scared and panicky. My self esteem has gone through the floor and I just feel that I haven't got the energy, or the will, to pick myself up and give it a go. Colette keeps saying I have to decide whether I really can't do it, or whether it's just because of how I am feeling at the moment. The trouble is I don't know. Everyone says it's just because my confidence has been knocked and I don't have any self belief at the moment. I keep being advised not to make any rash decisions that I'll regret. Colette says she knows I can do it and it's just my emotional state at the moment but what if it isn't? Sorry, that's my rant over. I'm just so uncertain of everything just now. I should have been out with my adopted family tonight celebrating Gillians 50th with a lovely meal at our favourite Indian Restaurant and instead I have sat here with a bouncing headache and cried my eyes out most of the night. What a mess!

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Thanks to all of you for your lovely words of support. I have actually been on anti depressants now for around 12 weeks I think. During that time my GP increased the dose and I did feel they were helping but now I'm not so sure. I've tried explaining to Colette how I feel but at the end of the day she is paying me to do a job. I think it is time for me to go back to my GP and see if there's anything else that might help. I have had some counselling from work which helped to a certain extent but that's finished after 6 sessions. I also got an appointment via my GP but when I got there she told me it wasn't counselling and every time I went I spent the time filling in questionnaires and being handed what I can only call self help worksheets which were not helpful at all. I found the woman extremely patronising and so voted with my feet and didn't go back.
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Morning Caroline, 10/10 to you for trying to help yourself and minus 10 your GP. You come across as a very strong lady and I am wondering if, when you go back to your GP he/she could give you a list of registered counsellors. I went down this road once and paid for a counsellor - the best thing I did and I got one straightaway thankfully, who I could relate to. I know it can be expensive but I happen to feel it was worth it to be able to see the wood for the trees once more and move on with my life. I also had the counselling in the evenings so my employment was not distracted - although I did tell them I was having counselling and they were great - especially if I came into work occasionally looking a little unsteady. You deserve to feel happy and strong and to be able to enjoy the rest of your life. I wish you luck and love. Ann x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi celis

So sorry to hear how you are suffering the loss of your dear mum. I know how very fond of her you were. It's always hard to lose a parent and I still grieve for mine, even though Daddy's been gone since 1992 and Mummy since 1994. They were both only 69 years old.

It's very early days for you yet and you must give yourself time. You looked after your mum so well during her illness and you had to be strong for her. Losing her has obviously knocked you for six which is only natural.

I've never had any experience with counselling but I have heard that there are good and bad counsellors. If you can afford it, it might be an idea to scout around for a good one.

You are probably feeling the way you are because of the anti-depressants but I'm not saying you shouldn't take them. Perhaps you need a different kind.

You are a lovely person and the fact that you care very much about your students and your job shines through your words. Please don't beat yourself up.

You've been a real rock for me during the past few months and I look on you as a friend, although I haven't been around for a while.

Take care buddy.

Lots of love, Madge x x x x x *BIG HUGS*
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Just to add: that hard exterior - I get comments about my being "hard" ;and "too strong", someone said "tough" and "ballsy" about me the other day as well. I was amazed at the lack of understanding of what you have gone through with this kind of loss. Most people don't understand it. But it can stop you losing control completely although you are so lonely inside. I do understand that. The dog stopped me needing that hard exterior but now he is gone. So I do understand that it is sometimes necessary but equally women often get disapproved of if they have a hard exterior. It is part of the lack of understanding about bereavement. If you realise this, you are halfway to getting a perspective on it. So hang in there! Perse. X.

Perse.
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

HI Caroline (((hugs))) xx

What can I say? Grief has no timescale as we know only too well, and the rollercoaster has many dips in it! Your number one priority has to to be you and only you. Your job is important to you, but when all is said and done you have to think about your own wellbeing first. Colette is well meaning but she is not experiencing first hand they way you are feeling so is unable to comprehend the strength of your feelings of loss. You have had to make a huge adjustment in your life, and 7 months is no time at all to learn to live without your dear wee mum. You have to be true to yourself and honest with those around you who care. I know it is not easy when you are so used to putting up a front, but behind that front is a woman in need of comfort and understanding. Please dont be afraid to let others see that you are still very vulnerable.

I, too, still go up and down with no obvious reasoning, sometimes when we expect it least the sense of loss jumps right up and bites us on the bum!! We will never get over our loss, but will eventualy learn to live our lives again without the rawness. I , like you, wait for that dayxx

Thinking of you Caroline, day by day is all you can do. Love Sharonxx
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