I was out all day yesterday with my Mum and worn out when I got home so no time to write a post yesterday. I did read the replies though and felt warmed and comforted by them...thank you!
I re-read my first post before starting todays and realised something. I have mentioned in my blog and in more than one post, that I feel a bit fraudulent posting on here when I am on watch and wait and not receiving treatment ( I use fraudulant for want of a better word - I seem to be finding it hard finding words at the moment as my brain feels all foggy. My immediate conculsion jump is to wonder if it is another effect of NHL but common sense says it is more likely to be stress or menopausal as I am lucky enough to be going through that at the same time as cancer grrrr) Anyway it occured to me yesterday that having my spleen removed WAS treatment (for some reason my brain only computes it as diagnostic) so I should be saying I've had treatment already even though it didn't involve chemotherapy.
I'm feeling angry today. Yesterday I saw four people who all told me how well I was looking. This makes me feel furiously bad tempered. I am one of those people who moslty look fine even when feeling very ill - the exception to this being after my splenectomy, after which I had serious complications and when I did actually look as though I wasn't well. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want them to worry about me and I don't want sympathy. BUT I kind of resent folk assuming my life is back to normal as though I've been recuperating after a broken leg which has now healed completely, when I actually have cancer...yes CANCER...that can't be cured. Ever. If I'm lucky it will leave me alone on watch and wait for a good long time and I might even be one of those "lucky (???)" people who die with it rather than of it. But I WILL always have it and currently I am less than 3 months on from a huge operation after which I was very ill physically and which mentally I am still trying to get to grips with.
I don't actually know what to say when poeple tell me I'm looking well and much better. Do I thank them, smile and leave them with their illusions? Do I tell them I don't feel anything like I look? What? The first option leaves me feeling as though I have to keep on keeping on with a front that leaves me in a lonely scary place, so that they don't feel bad, the seccond option makes me sound churlish and attention seeking - oh and I can already see the hunted "what do I say now" look in their eyes if I go that route. PLus I really, really don't want my kids (even the grown up ones) to know how I'm feeling and therefore telling the truth to anyone seems like a risk.
I have made an appointment to have a blood test next Tuesday so that I can hopefully stop worrying about the pain in my limbs and another appointment with the doctor for next Friday to get the results and maybe talk through a few other things that are bothering me. For today I will get busy in the house and try and stay focused.
