Not sure how this will go as so much to put in so i expect deep, emotional and sentimental to be the basis as thats how i have been the last couple of weeks so apologies in advance if you are about to read this....
Wow, not very good at this blog am I ?! I had wanted to write somthing every couple of days but it seems every couple of weeks is more the norm. Its probably because i know that writing it all down brings the tears and emotions to the surface but ultimatly its therapeutic so thats got to be the benefit.
So where have i been since my birthday, buying shoes, a new bag and spending my birthday vouchers and buying little treats for family and friends who i dont see often. I actually bought a little vest today from Cath Kidson my friend is coming to lunch tomorrow ( actually 2 amazing work friends) and a year ago i predicted she would have a baby girl this year as well as another colleague, his wife had a little girl last month. So i bought this adorable littlebaby grow that has little roses on it as i am 100% sure i will be right, the baby is due in 2 weeks and she still doesnt know the sex but i know she wants me to be right. I have always had a nack of prediciting pregnancys and babys sex since i was young, i did tarot cards from the age of 18 as well but stoped this year when i became unwell as i need to be fit and healthy to do it so dont go getting ideas about doing you all readings lol.
I have been off work now for 6 weeks i think its all gone so quickly, surely when you are home it should go slowley and its not as if i have been having so much fun or its been a holiday well i guess its true if i say its been different. Headaches, lumps etc aside I have made the most of my good days, i feel guilty i didnt go to work but i have done things that i wouldnt have done because you suddenly realise that life has to be lived and getting scared on a rollercoaster is nothing and infact fun compared to the unknown with this wrotten disease.I actually went on it by myself, i probably looked like a mad middle aged woman getting on this thing on her own but i laughed and screamed all the way round and to be honest other than a quick thought would have done it again and again.
Its also amazing how many lessons you learn about yourself and those around you when you are faced with cancer. Its not the type that matters, its the emotional journey that brings us all together. We all have experiences we share wether you have breast, lung, bowel or any of the many other cancers but the one thing that really unites us here is the love and understanding, i am sure we all had this before it became a part of our lives but i find myself more loving and sensitive than ever, i want to make those around me feel loved, valued and cared about. The only downside is my reduced patience lol and as a fellow sufferer posted i am reverting to a 4 year old on occasion !!
There was a day when it was really warm and i dont go outside unless its cloudy and i have my factor 50 on, and hung out my washing and i thought about how much i miss being in the garden( i didnt have one for years so not being out there other than to hang out washing is sad for me) How could i enjoy those few minutes ? i took off my shoes and ever since have hung it out bare feet, come rain, sun and even freshly cut grass its amazing how different it feels every time. Not so sure i will feel the same when it starts snowing !
Break time need to get a drink......
So birthday had, money spent, operation cancelled until next week as they forgot to book the theatre so a 4 week delay....Great! So how do i feel now, actually apart from being scared and venturing into the unknown i am planning the rest of my life...going back to work doing what i enjoy and apreciating all the things that everyone else takes for granted. Its like anyone who has been at the hands of this disease has a special understanding to make every moment count and even if we are so ill or down we still try to do something or support someone else. I have seen friends on here say how low they are feeling and yet give so much support to someone else but that is what we do because we understand, we know we can make a difference even if its just a few lines to someone we have never met, its sending them a hug and letting them know we are here for them, for each other. If it wasnt for my Mac family and friends i doubt i would be in such a positive place and looking forward to the future. I have to say i had my lowest days last week, i think i go through a cycle and at least i am on the up before the surgury. I have to admit i am scared your face is what represents you opens doors to our society and people opinions are based on what they see, so i hope it will be ok.
So tomorrow brings 2 lovely friends from work one due to have her first baby anyday, how exciting and the other is allergic to nearly everything. I have never cooked for her before and it was easier to ask what can she eat but i have had fun this afternnon devising receipes for us all to eat as it wouldnt be fair if we didnt all eat the same would it..........one thing we can all have is a laugh and celebrate life, a new life, a soon to be healed life and a saved life as my other friend Jackie nearly died last year from an allergic reaction.
So here's to life and making the most of every moment and most of all...... loving xxxxxxxxx
