I still don't understand what some people expect you know. You see lots of people with problems - hell maybe you read my diary and think to yourself - poor guy, I'm glad I'm not him! - well don't. There are times when I feel sorry for myself, you always try to remain positive about things, but cancer is a horrible and scary thing. The operation and post operative consequences of having 70% of your tongue removed are horrible. You know what? Don't feel sorry for me. I really don't want anyones sympathy. What I want noone can give me. I want my health back. Simple.
Do I sit around all day and feel sorry for myself? Well, okay, sometimes - but not normally. Like hell I do. I feel lucky that the cancer has been removed, I feel lucky that it hadn't gotten further than it did. I feel lucky that I have a good chance of complete remission after the chemo and radio. Do I want to suffer through it all? No, of course not. Does that mean that I sit about feeling sorry about it? No, not normally. Normally I feel angry. VERY angry. I hate this cancer, I hate that its happened and I hate what I have to suffer next. I hate what its doing to my family. The anger is driving me towards the radio and chemo with a sort of "screw you" attitude, I want to beat the cancer and I want to kick it in the nuts while I do it.
So you know what. If you feel like sitting about feeling sorry for yourself then take this advice. Don't. Life is too short to waste, I'm pretty damned certain that there are alot of people out there with more problems than you (or me) and are still smiling. If you really feel like you can't cope - then get help, its out there you know.
Today I feel rather pleased with myself because I managed to ride my bicycle for half an hour. Compared to the 8 hour 110 mile bike ride I did for charity in my youth, its not exactly and achievement, but I feel good about it. I thought the stiffness in my neck or the pain from my shoulders would stop be doing it, but in fact both were quite fine. The only pain I got was, oddly, from my left wrist. I took some small amount of pride in it, my first proper bit of exercise since the op, since the cancer. Its not going to be my last, I will build on it.
This, to me, seems to be the key to surviving life. If we can live through this crap, then I promised that by taking one day at a time you can get through anything too. I don't keep joking and smiling about the cancer because I really feel like it, I don't keep going because I'm strong or brave. I do it because I have to, what choice do I have? Life has dealt me these cards, dealt my family these cards, we have to live it. There is no other choice, what good will curling up and feeling sorry for ourselves do? Sometimes its really hard to be positive, sometimes I really get down. Sometimes the future scares the sh*t out of me. I won't let it stop me living though. Neither should you.
Onwards and upwards. Each and every day.
