Originally published 21/4/13
My recovery from that massive operation continues, I find I can cope with the purée food better and generally I am feeling more like my old self.
Speech is a worry, I slur and slurp my way through speech, often having to repeat myself. Everyone says my speech is coming along well, but as usual that's not enough for me. In my head I understand that the cancer has taken my old voice, my heart just wants me to be the same as before.
The other worry is, have we beaten it? The cancer I mean. Is it gone? Or is there still some there starting to eat me alive again? I'm not sure how I feel about this, I have to face the positive and outwardly show no fear that the surgery left anything behind or that it had gotten somewhere else and not seen yet. This is a problem for me, I like to be in control - life and body as it were - and I can't be here. This cancer is my body losing control, the consequences just horrible, but is there anything else I can do I wonder.
Don't start me on the what-ifs, down that road madness awaits. The really scary one for me, are my kids now higher risk of getting cancer? What a horrible thought.
