Originally Published 15/4/13
I don't really know how to start this one, today has been another filled with visits from family and friends which make the long and boring routine survivable.
What's hardest is that I can't do much, tubes and bottles and machines being plumbed in. I'm down a drain today, which was not painful (which I had feared). I mean the nurses here are just wonderful, they check on me so often and will help with the smallest thing. But down that road lies the royal loss all your dignity. I like making dinner or doing something myself, its how my dad taught meet to be a man.
But here I can't do anything really, except lie here with food being pumped into my stomach (not a pleasant feeling for anyone who was wondering) I seem to get lots of ingestion, and I mean hours of it sometimes. This is not my point, ask and the nurses will deal with it but I can't even get a glass of water - I can't swallow right now. I can sort of mimic it, but an experiment with as small mouthful of water ended with much coughing and watering of eyes.
The movement, I am assured, is one that is incredibly complex and I should still be able. I chose to ignore the unmentioned "what if" there.
I am only a few days out of surgery - wait and see I get told. I'm doing well I get told. Give it time. Well I don't have time. Cancer took it from me. I know that youhave to say that, you see? Hope is a currency that makes you put up with this crap and get over it.
Today I decided to wash myself. Today I decided to walk down from my room to the top of the corridor its on. Because I can do it. I know I can. Having to sit there do something I learned for myself in childhood or the shame of admitting to not realising that you soiled the bed is burning. What else can it be?
I am sitting here in bed with a rosy glow of defiance now, because I did it. Washed myself and did my walk. Had to have extra medication when I became faint after, but doctor I damned well did it when you thought I shouldn't or couldn't because I wanted to OK?
The strength of response from people who have read the last post has been amazing, empowering. Moving even.
Thank you. Now go do something important.
