Originally published 14/4/13
Today has been a great day, after nearly a week since I am looking forward at life again. It has been hard working band dealing with things after having a virtually instant diagnosis from my consultant to the biopsy and scans and the final scale of the cancer being revealed to be probably not just in my tongue but also in the lymph nodes.
I had fully twenty hours of surgery and the anaesthetic recovery was bad. I couldn't sleep or rest because of a drug fuelled psychosis had me. I simply lay there and shock from the massive trauma inflicted on me. I was awake pretty much constantly for five days, never sleeping and not resting because most of the time of the constant shivering. Even knocking me out didn't work instead of sleeping I lay there being unable to move but aware. I couldn't open or move my eyes but I was listening to the Sounds of a busy ITU department waiting long days and hours for the nightmare to actually end. The only bright spots of those times were being gently held by my wife who carried out an almost day and night vigil and some times just caressed my hands or my forehead. That and the fact that the consultant himself constantly visited and kept telling me that I was doing incredibly well what I lay and sweat and shivered in a terrible dark scary place on my head.
Apparently we hoped that the cancer would leave behind some fifty percent of the tongue for med to recover with, perhaps even sixty, but no, in the two weeks since that first consult the damned thing grew rapidly and we have to face a broken jaw, now replete with metal plate in chin to allow it to repair and stay still, not only have the lymph node of both sides of the neck but the cancer had grown thick at the back of the tongue also (probably explaining the appetite loss in recent times too) and I have had fully seventy percent of it taken in a operation that has probably saved my life.
The recovery process is indescribable, I can't move my jaw very much and my head is a lead weight attached to my shoulders î sit here dribbling now because my salvia production has turned turbo and i simply can't swallow, but the pain is manageable and I am getting about The Ward so a bit of dribbling I can't say that I care about. That wasn't something I was expecting, coughing and choking on my saliva, itwas something else that was scary and several times I believe a ITU nurse was especially good at dealing with me.
But day five of my recovery brought blessed relief from hallucinogenic nights and my kids have visited me on an emotional rollercoaster. You also find out that have amazing supporting friends and family and I have come to realise just how truly madly and deeply I love my wife.
I didn't know if o would write this diary, it's deeply personal to me, but today I feel like t his is the first day of my life :-)
