life is full of so many questions... so many things that are un answered, un explainable..life is unpredictable.. you just never know what is round the corner...
my biggest question now... is what if?
what if i never got cancer, how would my life be now?
now... yesterday... exactly a year to the day, of finding a lump... i found a lump in my neck again... a million questions ran through my head, a million thoughts....
what if its back? how will i cope? how will i get through it all again? what will happen next? why again? how? arghhhh!!!!!
i DONT want it to be cancer!!!
but so many things making me believe it is.....ive had pains in my back, chest, and collar bone for a couple of weeks now, been soo sooo tired... so that prompted me to go see my gp.. he looked in my mouth and said.. hmm throat infection... 8 penicillin a day for ten days... well... 6 days into this course... the lump came... surely cant be down to infection?? wouldnt it have come before now??
well.!!!! this is SHIT!!!! to put it bluntly.... im only 20.. dont want to be going through this again... i know... it may not be nothing...it may just be a swollen gland or lymph node... but thats it.. my cancer was lymphoma...!!! GRRRR!!!!!
and then if it is nothing, how am i gunna cope with everytime i get a swollen gland, or something... jeeee its like treading on glass...waiting for cancer to come bite me on the bum again!! helloooo emma im back again!!!! noooo ur not welcome!!!
ive been in remission, exactly 3mnths and 4 days! my last chemo was 4 and a half months ago... is that time enough for it to come back again??? am i worrying for nothing???
toooooooooo many questions!! to many things on my mind!!!! wished i could fall asleep, wake up, then imagine ive dreamed the lump is there in my neck... and if its a swollen gland i wished i never got one again.... so then no panic....
well... anyways i rang hospital... was due to see DR N next week on thursday, but he wants to see me this thursday instead now... thats still 2day, and 2mora worrying!!! =(
rant over!!
im gunna go find something to keep my mind occupied!!
