its been 8 and a half weeks since my last chemo, and two and a half weeks since i found out i was in remission.
ive just been on a fantastic holiday, did sooo much, the weather was brilliant. which made the holiday 100%. it was nice to get away from home, and from everything ive been through, a sort of release.
because even though ive finished chemo, and im in remission, i still dont feel happy, i dont feel myself. i just dont feel the emma i used to be. everyones like, you can go out and party now, and live. ok, i want to, i want to be out there in the clubs and all that, but i just dont feel me to do it. everyone wud expect to much of me. i dont feel like i can. i think ive lost all my confidence and im not as bubbly as i used to be.
my holiday i just been on, it was quite up and down hilly, and i did alot of walking and loads of different things everyday, like going on speed boats and walks along the beach everyday and night. it really took it out of me, towards end of holiday i felt tired and worn out. it annoyed me because i remember how i used to be, how i could do anything and still have loads more energy in me. and it was an amazing holiday, just reminded me of what i was b4 and what i am now...
now im back off holiday i woke up this morning and thought, well what to do now?
ive not started back at work, because im still not sure about it. the place i worked in before i got cancer was horrible when i got diagnosed, and i popped in to say hello a few weeks ago, and all everyone was doing was bitching about one another, i dont need to go back to that, and i dont feel strong enough to have to go back to that. i think about finding a new job, but then, i just dont feel i have the confidence to go somewhere else, my hair is still short and even though its growing, its obvious whats happened to me. and if i went anywhere new to work then i dont want them to know about what ive been through because then im not moving forwards...
arghhhh what do i do... ???
when is the right time to go back to work, shall i just go back bcuz im bored of not being at work, or what???
il finish here because im confusedddddd!!!
