before, during and after....

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

30 Jun 2010

this is for me really, to look back on, to try and understand whats happened to me.

im not sure that it was a good idea, but then it might help me. ive just been looking through pictures of before i had cancer, pictures of while i had cancer, and now pictures after cancer.

i see now the hurt and pain in johns eyes of seeing me while i was poorly, and i could never see it then... i see how unhappy he looked and how sad he was... i was mean to him, pushed him away, didnt think he loved me...

now we are getting back on track, or trying to....

often i sit and wished that it never happened to me, because i miss what i had before, i miss being care free, i miss having no worries, i miss being out with my friends, i miss people looking at me normally instead of ahh shes been poorly, or rude stares because my hair is growing, ok, them stares wont last for long, but they do on the inside, you remember what people say to you, you remember the looks, and that really knocks your confidence, people expect you to be happy and all ready for life after cancer. but its not that easy is it? or is it just me finding it hard? i feel like ive been chucked into a big open space with no clear road to go down, its a right puzzle for me, like i have to fix and work out a way of living now...... its all to hard....

i was 19 when diagnosed, working, partying, had a normal life, everything was happy, no problems.....

now, im 20, not working because i dont feel i am ready yet, not partying because i dont have the confidence, and not 100% happy.... problems... well... cancer is the problem, even though i havent got it anymore.... or should i say the after effects of cancer.....

i feel like ive had something taken away from me, and i think that something is, my younger years, i feel like ive been forced to grow up when i dont want to grow up yet, i want to be what i was before and there is no way of going back, so i have to move on, but its hard..... just one big mess of emotions....

dont feel u have to answer to this, because it is just for me to look on and see in a few weeks, months, if i feel different... i guess im just writing to get it out there, and i must sound completely mad to whoever reads it.....

FormerMember over 14 years ago

You touched a chord in my heart.

Cancer, drugs, emotions all live changing we try to cope with and keep some semblance of control.

I feel as if I live in a cancer bubble with all cancer patients and we are let out to play but must return into the bubble.

I wish you well as you regain control of your life.

Keith
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

No emz, you don't sound mad, you sound just like me and a lot of others on here who have got to the stage you are at.

Don't underestimate what you have been through physically and mentally. Now you are at a point where the medical intervention you had has lessened and appointments are less frequent. Now, as much as that is a time to relax, it is also very scary that you have now been cast adrift without having a team of experts around you all the time. Please be reassured that this will be pass.

Unfortunately, your life will never be the same after cancer, but what I would advise is to start afresh with a new outlook. People's lives change all the time, so see it as an opportunity to start doing all the things you have always wanted to.

After I finished treatment, I remember being at a family gathering and a cousin of mine said, "you haven't done much with your life have you? I thought after you had cancer you would have done something with your life". I was flabbergasted to say the least. This was coming from someone who lives about 200 miles from me, knows nothing of my circumstances in life or anything. I felt like saying back to her, "well what have you done with your life, 3 kids before you were 20, all of whom have been in and out of jail all of there lives!". But, being the polite person that I am lol, I just told her I have done exactly the same as her in life, no more, no less. The point I am trying to make is that, no-one has any right to judge us in life, We make the best of what we can.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Take time to readjust to what has happened to you and never mind those who stare at you. Most of us who have lost our hair have been through that. If they want to be ignorant, let them.

Take care hun, you'll soon be seeing things differently.

Christine xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Ya Emz,

Come on now none of this negative thinking. I wish I was your age again. But Iam Just a silly old/young FART. Who belives that life begins at 40 so you have along way to go and a lot of Partys to go to.

and all the good things that life can bring apart from

Cancer which is only an nuisance anyway. So up

and at them. Regards to John you are both lucky to have eachother. All the best.

Take care and be safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

oh emz, your a beautiful lovely girl ,cancer cant /wont ruin it ,dont let it ,

huge hugs jenni xxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Emziee, give your self some space it takes time to come to terms with all you have been through. As jenni said you are a lovely girl etc.

Keep in touch Rosie
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