before, during and after....

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

30 Jun 2010

this is for me really, to look back on, to try and understand whats happened to me.

im not sure that it was a good idea, but then it might help me. ive just been looking through pictures of before i had cancer, pictures of while i had cancer, and now pictures after cancer.

i see now the hurt and pain in johns eyes of seeing me while i was poorly, and i could never see it then... i see how unhappy he looked and how sad he was... i was mean to him, pushed him away, didnt think he loved me...

now we are getting back on track, or trying to....

often i sit and wished that it never happened to me, because i miss what i had before, i miss being care free, i miss having no worries, i miss being out with my friends, i miss people looking at me normally instead of ahh shes been poorly, or rude stares because my hair is growing, ok, them stares wont last for long, but they do on the inside, you remember what people say to you, you remember the looks, and that really knocks your confidence, people expect you to be happy and all ready for life after cancer. but its not that easy is it? or is it just me finding it hard? i feel like ive been chucked into a big open space with no clear road to go down, its a right puzzle for me, like i have to fix and work out a way of living now...... its all to hard....

i was 19 when diagnosed, working, partying, had a normal life, everything was happy, no problems.....

now, im 20, not working because i dont feel i am ready yet, not partying because i dont have the confidence, and not 100% happy.... problems... well... cancer is the problem, even though i havent got it anymore.... or should i say the after effects of cancer.....

i feel like ive had something taken away from me, and i think that something is, my younger years, i feel like ive been forced to grow up when i dont want to grow up yet, i want to be what i was before and there is no way of going back, so i have to move on, but its hard..... just one big mess of emotions....

dont feel u have to answer to this, because it is just for me to look on and see in a few weeks, months, if i feel different... i guess im just writing to get it out there, and i must sound completely mad to whoever reads it.....

FormerMember over 14 years ago

hey emz

sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. I can only speak from my own experence -but i can identify with a lot of what you say.

Adjusting again to 'civilian life' : Finding your new normal, Working out what it means to be a cancer surviour- its all difficult. Going through the cancer 'experience' changes so much, emotionally and physically.

I think that so much of treatment we cope with as best as we can, often coping with on adrenalin, focusing just on surviving.

and then what?

I have always felt like going through the cancer experience must be a lot like an alien abduction!- we have been removed from the life track we 'should' have been on- thoughly poked, prodded, examined and submitted to treatment- and then beamed back into a life we dont fit in anymore.

trying to work out if the hole where my life was has changed- or if its me that has changed shape (in my case literally!) time seems to have moved on at a different pace- or is it me who has aged at a different speed to the rest of the planet?

all i have felt, read, and spoken about this says that post treatment is tough and you do need to give yourself time and credit for surviving this. It will get better, but let yourself acknowledge you have been through so much.

Be kind to yourself

L
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi emz

I've only just seen this and I think I understand what you're going through. Cancer may have changed your life but it's very early days yet.

In time other people will forget that you're the young girl who has battled through cancer and beaten it and in time, so will you.

When I met you I didn't think of you as a cancer survivor, I thought of you as a lovely bubbly young girl with her whole life in front of her. I also saw a loving couple having fun. There's lots more fun to come Emz and don't you forget it.

You've been given your life back and part of it is down to your fighting spirit. Hopefully it will make you a stronger person in the long run.

Of course your John is bound to have been hurt and scared but he's still there and he still loves you. If you can get through this together, you can get through anything.

Love you emzie!!!!!

*hugs* from me and my John.

x x x x x x
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