Hi, I feel kind of stupid doing this on the internet, but I don't like to let my feelings show a whole lot. My wife of 7 years was rediagnosed with cancer 1-08, since then they did all the Chemo and everything they could do. She had cancer when she was about 35 and now it is back again. After a year and a half of Chemo they said there is nothing more they can do. Basically it is a waiting thing. Recently she was in constant pain almost 24 7. I tell you I damn near had a nervous breakdown. I had to check on her all the time, let me tell you she was a real bitch, but I know she was just trying to push me away. I told her to knock it off I took a vow and that is that. This lasted for about 2 weeks. I feel bad because there wasn't anything I could do. I even got to the point where I tried to block out the crying and weeping it didn't work cuz I would hear her all the time. I even checked her about every hour or so to make sure she was still breathing. Right now she is in the hospital, she had an abcess they needed to take care of and there are other things I won't get into now. I just wish and hope things will be better after her stay in the hospital. Myself and her sister and all of her friends know this is terminal and she doesn't have long left when she gets home. Is there any advice you could give me as a spouse going through this. I really could use anything you give me. Thank you so much, Jes
FormerMember
I am sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. It must be difficult for you both to bear. My heart goes out to you and you will get support on this site. Do you have a Mcmillan nurse or have you phoned one on this site. they are excellent, good and and can offer practical advice.
Try to cherish the time you have left and don't lose hope.
I went through similar with my late husband. The best advice I can offer you is to just be there and to carry on as normally as possible, cooking meals, watching TV, having a chat etc. Nobody wants you to sit around exuding doom and gloom, it won't be good for anybody. Enlist the help of friends and family so that all the burden doesn't fall onto you. Try to give yourself a little time off, even if it's just to nip down to the pub for a pint or to go out and do the shopping.
And accept any help that's on offer. Don't be too proud! Nobody expects you to do this thing single handed. Hopefully, with the help of the Macmillan nurses, you'll get the pain under control.
My thoughts are with you. It's not easy but it's do-able.
I think I didn't do something right but I tried to reply to you also. If I didn't I'm sorry but If you read the blog you will know what is going on.. I thank you so much for thinking of my wife and myself. Thanks Jesse.
Thank you for your thoughts, I had just replied to the other person that had responded so this could be somewhat overkill. But I am not sure how this actually works so I will tell you also. My wife came home on Sunday and it has been 24 7 not much sleep. We have hospice coming in, but I need to do alot myself, about 22 hours of the day. Since she came home she cannot walk or even really move herself with her arms. She cries in pain alot so I need to sleep softly. It has been a week now but I still haven't got used to it. I know that it is humiliating some of the things I need to take care of for her. I do have friends and family that have been coming over so I can get out for an hour or so, but I hate to do that because I feel like I'm trying to find a "babysitter". I know she can't be alone for any period of time but I still feel guilty that I am not doing enough. I never used to clean, laundry, dishes, but I do it all now. I used to cook sometimes but now I do it all. Tonight she had filet minon or however you spell it. Thank you again for thinking of us Jesse
I know it's exhausting, especially if you're not a woman and used to multi-tasking and doing 10,000 jobs each day. (Miaow!)
So you have to do intimate things for her - so why is this humiliating? It's not humiliating, it's loving. But don't be afraid to accept a bit of baby-sitting help so you can get some time to yourself. It's important that you keep yourself well as it might be a long haul. Can you get a night care nurse so you can get a decent night's sleep in the spare room or on the sofa?
And one more thing - get rid of the guilt. There's nothing to be guilty about. Just do the best you can and do it with love.
