Hi, I feel kind of stupid doing this on the internet, but I don't like to let my feelings show a whole lot. My wife of 7 years was rediagnosed with cancer 1-08, since then they did all the Chemo and everything they could do. She had cancer when she was about 35 and now it is back again. After a year and a half of Chemo they said there is nothing more they can do. Basically it is a waiting thing. Recently she was in constant pain almost 24 7. I tell you I damn near had a nervous breakdown. I had to check on her all the time, let me tell you she was a real bitch, but I know she was just trying to push me away. I told her to knock it off I took a vow and that is that. This lasted for about 2 weeks. I feel bad because there wasn't anything I could do. I even got to the point where I tried to block out the crying and weeping it didn't work cuz I would hear her all the time. I even checked her about every hour or so to make sure she was still breathing. Right now she is in the hospital, she had an abcess they needed to take care of and there are other things I won't get into now. I just wish and hope things will be better after her stay in the hospital. Myself and her sister and all of her friends know this is terminal and she doesn't have long left when she gets home. Is there any advice you could give me as a spouse going through this. I really could use anything you give me. Thank you so much, Jes
Former Member
Shelagh,
Thanks again, I hope you are well. Things might be turning for the worst today. I just had to call in a nurse to check Konnie, I am hoping it is just a simple med change but I am not real optimistic. She is having real difficulty breathing and I can't wake her up. The nurse adjusted her meds so hopefully.....In my previous blog I didn't mean it was humiliating for me I think it was for her, she is a very independent person. Hey I will do anything I can and no matter how bad it is I don't show it in front of her but when I am out of the room it is Niagra Falls. I can't imagine when that day comes what I am going to do. I know I will be fine over time but It's going to be the toughest thing I ever went through and other than losing my parents or my kids will be the toughest thing I ever will go through. I sit here and watch her sleeping and just don't know what to do. I have my 40th birthday fri. and I know she had a big party planned, to be honest with you I never really cared much for birthdays or anything but if I had a birthday present this year it would be that we could go out and have a good night out on the town. I know this is very unrealistic but I guess we can all wish. Thanks again for listening. Jesse
It's a terrible time, there's no getting away from it. At least you realise that after the toughness and the horror and the awfulness of it all, life will eventually return to normal. We're all here to listen to you if it helps.
On the 12th God took Konnie. She died peacefully with myself and her 2 sisters by her side. It is going to be hard but it do realize that I greive for selfish reasons but not doing it is easier said than done thanks for everything--- everybody.
Sorry for your loss. It's not selfish to grieve. You know Konnie's gone to a better place and left you behind so you're quite entitled to shed as many tears as you need to. Look after yourself. It will all take time but one day you'll be surprised that you can be happy again.
