This is a difficult post for me to write. Today has been one of the harder days for me. I’m two days post chemo at the start of a cycle which means all the drugs and therefore typically I’m feeling it! I’m exhausted and have mainly been reduced to sitting on the sofa today, feeling a bit nauseous and just generally like a sick person.
But I didn’t come here for the pity post, I am well aware that I am not alone in these symptoms, I am likely to feel better as the week goes on and that is not why I wrote this blog.
I’m writing today as I have this overwhelming sense of guilt today. My husband, S, has been amazing throughout this whole process, as have my boys but as anyone will tell you this thing doesn’t just affect the person with cancer it touches everyone. So today I feel guilty that yet again S has spent his Saturday sorting out the boys, doing all the housework, taking them on a lovely walk, doing all the food prep and just being everything to them. Whilst I just lay on the sofa.
Don’t get me wrong never once has any complaint been uttered, except maybe the odd joke about keeping score for when I’ve beaten this! But I can’t help but just wish I could give him a few days off, something which in the current situation is out of my control, our parents would I’m sure love to help but clearly that’s not an option at the moment.
My boys have also been so wonderful never questioning why I can’t come on the walk or play with them that moment. But again the guilt is forever there. I know in theory it won’t be forever but and I would of course do all this for them in a heartbeat but it feels like such an ask!
So to all you carers out there thank you, I for one simply could not fathom what this would be like without the support of S, now I just need to think about how on Earth to make it up to him and hopefully feel a little less guilty!
As ever take care everyone x
