I have been diagnosed for less than a week now and the question I have been asked the most is “how you feeling” or a variation thereof. People don’t mean physically, luckily at the moment before I start treatment my physical symptoms are not too impactful. They mean how am I feeling emotionally, how am I handling this weird blow.
The answer is, it depends on the day and the time! I don’t think anyone going through something like this particularly when it’s all so fresh can have one feeling about it and stick with it. I’ll try and convey a bit about what has been going through my head this week, but as always with emotions it is tricky to put it into words.
The first emotion on hearing the diagnosis was weirdly a mixture of utter sadness, to be expected, but also relief that we knew what it was and that there was a plan. Knowing what I’m facing and having a plan for that brings hope and something for us to fight.
I am scared, I can’t pretend that I’m not and I don’t think anyone wouldn’t be in this situation. But it comes and goes in waves and is not my over ridding thought. There is thankfully a wealth of information out there, and I am a researcher and a doer and so I can satisfy that side of my brain to prepare me for what I’m in for and what my family are in for. Also the medical teams I have interacted with so far have all been amazing and helped ease any concerns really listened and given me answers to any questions I have which has helped enormously.
Worry is also a factor and this is a big one it’s not worry for me it’s worry for how all this is going to be affecting my family and my friends. The love and support I have had in the last week has been so overwhelming. But I can’t deny I’m heartbroken at how this journey will inevitably affect them. Some just with sadness at seeing me suffer, and more close to home my family as we have to adapt to the new regime of chemo and the implications that has on logistics, family time etc. I know that no one will begrudge any of this but I just wish it was only affecting me, it seems so unfair.
But with all this I am pleased to say my over arching emotion is one of determination. We have a plan and I am going to fight this, I am carrying on and I am still me! I still love a good joke and hope I’ve let everyone know not to tip toe around me. My husband (S) has been amazing at this he has not treated me any differently! Of course he’s doing more than his half around the house now as we start treatments etc but he still makes fun of me and we talk exactly as we always did, I’m still me and that means if I’ve managed to get flour all over my face whilst baking with the boys he is going to make a silly comment about it!
So the long and the short of it is, of course I have my moments and a few worried/scared tears but I’m mostly determined to fight and keep laughing!
Lots of love Kathy x
