Today I had my second chemo session (more on that later) but I first wanted to catch you up on the rollercoaster I have felt in this last week. I think it is fair to say that so far, whilst devastated by the news I have been mostly determined and hitting the treatment head on and remaining my usual sarcastic self!
The first few days after round one I had some steroids to help support my body after the onslaught of drugs. Over the weekend I was tired and felt nauseous. Having suffered from morning sickness throughout both my pregnancies, I know where I am with nausea. As my previous post alluded to the triedness and subsequent being sensible and letting hubby take on more than his usual half of the household cooking/cleaning does not come easy to me so I spent a larger proportion of the weekend feeling jumpy and wanting to do everything still, despite my body very clearly telling me to take a rest!
Then came Monday, first day without the steroids and first day back at work for a whole day! Positively I am very grateful that at the moment I am able to work, it is a fantastic outlet and for me having the ability to keep my creative mind going and still be Involved is precious. I am fortunate that for the foreseeable future my role can be working from home which is a big relief, not having to travel for work, and having the luxury of being able to take a nap at lunchtime if needed is, I fully appreciate, an extremely fortunate position to be in.
BUT a full days work, however enjoyable now absolutely knackers me out. By the time the boys came home I was reduced to sitting in the armchair to listen to their day and have cuddles rather than getting involved on the floor with their games as I once would have. I need to work out how best to balance my days with work commitments and what my body will allow, something I’m sure I will get better at knowing as the weeks go on.
The other fun arrivals this week were insomnia and some upset tummy side effects. One has drugs which my medical team had already given me helped with the latter but I wasn’t prepared for the insomnia! So yet another thing I need to learn to deal with. Unsurprisingly at the moment, at all hours, my brain is just going 100 miles an hour and so it’s difficult to switch off. If anyone has any helpful hints for this please do share.
Because of the tiredness, insomnia and beginnings of what I am sure will be more side effects which transpire and get worse as the weeks go on I had a really low Tuesday. I felt that I wasn’t prepared for any of this and was letting everybody down. It’s a strange thing going through this. We are blessed with so many amazing family and friends who have been so supportive and really kept us smiling these last couple of weeks but I also feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to remain positive and determined throughout. Tuesday I could not keep a positive face on things. I was shattered, feeling rubbish and had the first proper cry since I was diagnosed. Suddenly the weight of the next 17 weeks and all the possibilities of how I need to keep going seemed impossible.
Thankfully I am not worried about talking to S and we agree there are likely to be many days over the weeks to come where I am up and down. Side effects are likely to get worse, not better. But hopefully I will learn how best to cope with them. But mainly it’s important to acknowledge I am not in fact superwoman! I am not going to breeze through this and be positive everyday and it all be fine. But I can try and celebrate the wins and good days and learn from the more challenging ones. Most importantly, I need to remember that my family and friends are awesome and they won’t bat an eyelid if some days I can’t quite manage as big a smile as others. After all they are there for me, showing their support in many wonderful ways, thank you all so much, your smiles and laughter are keeping us going!
