I pride myself on being a positive person and have tried to be positive so far during this time. Let's be honest my prognosis is good compared with many others and whilst I have a difficult journey ahead I have hope and that is really good!
However, this is not going to be a positive post, there was bound to be one which snuck in. This weekend I have been miserable.
I was so positive on Friday, I was feeling so good after my second chemo. I am on a treatment plan where I have taxol (Paclitaxel to use it's full name) weekly and then the other drugs as well as taxol every three weeks. Last Thursday was a Taxol only day so it was a shorter session and on Friday I felt chipper and almost normal. I managed a walk in the sunshine and stayed up beyond 9pm!
Saturday morning came and again I felt great so I thought perfect I will do a very normal thing and do a bit of light housework. Big mistake! After merely tidying the boys rooms, hoovering and sorting the living room I was absolutely shattered and it took it out of me for the rest of the day. I was so mad at myself the good feeling I woke up with had disappeared. I had to sit down for 45 minutes before I had enough energy to help decorate the Christmas tree with the boys.
What's more Sunday came around and I have never felt like I had less energy. Was I being punished for daring to think I could do anything for myself!? It felt like it. I had to retreat to my bed for a rest without having actually done anything. We did manage to get out for a family walk which was lovely but that was as much as I could muster.
Normally with a couple of weekends before Christmas I would be full of Christmas cheer, drinking in the Christmas spirit and dragging the boys here there and everywhere to do lots of festive activities. I suppose, silver lining, thanks to COVID, many activities are not on at the moment so at least I am not missing out on much but I feel like I am missing my Christmas spirit. I've written all my cards, bought all the presents and decorated the house but just don't feel like it is Christmas yet. I have barely sung a Christmas carol or watched a Christmas service, I just feel like it's Christmas for everyone else and we happen to have a tree in the house?
I tried to keep a happy face on yesterday for the boys, I don't want to pretend for them but I also don't want to spoil their Christmas. They are getting so excited and it's lovely to see, I just wish my usual excitement was there with them!
With speed from diagnosis to treatment I still haven't had a chance for my brain to catch up on how this is all really going to take a toll on me and my body. I wasn't stupid I knew I would be tired and I wouldn't be able to do everything as I had. But I wasn't prepared for the sheer up and downs, the feeling so perky one day and utterly devoid of energy the next. I hope I will get used to the contrast and learn how to manage it better. I also hope that my positivity returns. I am feeling better today. I'm back at work, having some focus is a godsend. Fingers crossed the positive Christmas spirit will hit me in the next couple of days!
In the meantime, take care everyone xx
