Whilst I’m waiting for Radiotherapy to start (no start date yet likely to be week commencing 7th June), I am timidly, along with the rest of the world stepping back into normality by meeting up with some friends and family I’ve not seen in a while, some since before I was diagnosed thanks to lockdown!
This week I have felt like a proper social butterfly I went to two separate garden parties and a pub trip. The pub trip was with a small group of friends I have been in contact with throughout and was only for one drink so felt like a nice introduction to socialising, since I’ve been regularly communicating with them it all came naturally and they were all aware of how I looked and didn’t bat an eyelid when I just needed to go home after one glass of wine (pre chemo me would never have done this, I do like a wine!)
The first garden party was at my mums and the only other guests were my sister and her family. Here is where the old anxiety started to creep in a little. Hubby and I wanted to show our appreciation to my mum for all she has done for the boys recently so we provided and cooked the food (pizza in our pizza oven). I seemingly got it into my head that it was therefore my mission to prove I was well again by sorting all this and not resting through the afternoon. I then got cross with myself when I inevitably got tired and ran out of energy. It turns out it takes more than a few weeks to recover from 18 weeks of chemotherapy and an operation.
Of course no one asked me to do any of this but I was determined to be well again! Generally my energy levels are returning and I’m able to do more each day but clearly I need to still take small steps not run, and managing a pizza production line, standing on my feet as well as all the prep work before hand was not the answer! Don’t be like me listen to everyone else and give yourself time and small steps!
So following what was admittedly a lovely party, the next day we then headed to a friend of hubby’s birthday BBQ. Obviously a small one given current restrictions, but the only people I knew before hand were hubby and the friend. Until the day before I hadn’t realised how anxious I was about it. I found myself worrying about meeting new people. I wasn’t worried about COVID, we would be outside and I felt secure with all of that. I was worried about meeting new people for the first time since going through chemo and my operation.
I worried, would they all know? Would I have to talk about it over and over? I felt like I might walk in like a computer game character with a big icon above me saying “one nipple, breast cancer”. Did I even remember how to talk to new people? For the last six months any new people I have met have been to do with cancer, so usually within 10 minutes I’ve taken of my bra and shown them my boobs. I’ve not been to a BBQ in a while but I’m pretty sure that’s still not the done thing!
So there I was staring at my wardrobe looking at what to wear. What would make me look most ‘healthy’ what wouldn’t show my chemo rash or my port? My eldest caught me looking sad after I had chosen an outfit and asked why. I was honest and said I was nervous about meeting Daddy’s friends. He simply said “don’t worry mummy, I was a bit scared about going to school, but it was alright, this will be too”.
I thought he’s right if he can start school with such a positive attitude I can do this. And he was right it was OK, it was more than OK it was enjoyable. It was lovely to be out and about with hubby, enjoying the weather and talking together and with other grown ups and for once not talking about cancer, cold caps and chemotherapy! I now just need to remember that feeling next time I get anxious, as well as not pushing myself or expecting too much too soon….wish me luck!
As always take care all xxx
