So this entry has been brought on in part by reading back through my early posts. They were only a few months ago and yet the tone and style of writing feels like a whole other person! Yes I’ve been through a fair bit since then (who hasn’t the first one was in November when we thought we were all going to share Christmas with our bubbles and have a hopeful start to 2021 Covid wise....that went well for the likes of those of us in tier 4, remember tiers!?)
I have reflected on how the tone has changed in my writing in these few weeks on here and it stuck me it’s not just on here. When I was diagnosed I was so determined I would fight this thing through humour and would remain positive etc. I would not stop being the outspoken sarcastic person I had always been.
Turns out having poison pumped into you each week can quickly take the shine of things and make you more easily focus on the negatives and before you realise it you’ve become not so much negative but just a bit less of the sparky personality you used to be.
Don’t mistake me when it’s called for I can still deliver. I will hit you with an inappropriate cancer joke or be very bubbly for a work meeting (particularly for those with people who are unaware of my diagnosis) but the everyday zest is less and I’ve only really just noticed!
I think that’s what made me saddest really is that it had taken all my energy to go through this journey that I hadn’t noticed how it was changing my personality as well as me physically. I don’t think it will be permanent, I don’t want it to be and currently I’m stuck between accepting this is what it is and wanting to still be the more bubbly girl (can I be a girl still at 36) I was mere weeks ago?
So for now I’m going to try and embrace the humour when I can, I’m not just cancer! It can’t take all of me. It’s already taken my ability to run around with my children, I now can barely walk to the end of the road and back without feeling like I’ve done a round with Mike Tyson, it’s taken my beauty regimes, I was never one for massive vanity but I did love some good make up and currently with very little eyelashes seems redundant, it’s taken my hobbies, can’t cook much with little energy, can’t sing much with little energy etc, and obviously cancer (with a little help from COVID) has taken my favourite thing of spending quality time with friends and family.
But I will not let it take me! So I will take the time this weekend to play silly games with my boys, laugh with my husband and yes I will probably do a bit of crying too but I need to remember that the old me is still here and will flourish again, she’ll just take some time to rebuild.
Take care everyone x
