It's been a hard week; I found out that I have a 50 % chance of surviving over 5 years... a difficult one to get my head round, especially when everyone at the hospital talks in positive talk, preventative treatments aiming to cure.... ha.... I feel just a tad fobbed off really, although what they say is true and Yes I do appreciate that they need to be as positive as possible but hey please also be real... I did ask as I'm sure we all did in the early stages of being diagnosed for a prognosis and was always lead to believe it was very good, in fact my consultant surgeon actually told me he was hopeful of a cure... but nowhere through my journey has anyone said.... hey...actually.... this is how it is.... sad really, all this... just as I was considering when to go back to work and what hours etc I wanted to do. It hasn't changed my feelings on it just made them 100% more important... Previously I worked 24hrs p/w with the usual pro rata holidays etc, now I want to change to term time only and 16hrs p/w. I don't think the boss will like it but frankly... life really is to short it would seem... I am going to find out where I stand legally tomorrow so I am prepared for the meeting I am due to have with her soon. It would be sad to have to give up teaching as I really do enjoy it, but if I need to change jobs in order to feel contentment in my home life, then so be it.
Hubby is working away so I have too much time to think and no-one to reflect with... the evenings are long and sometimes quite lonely, I find my thoughts swaying towards the negative lately, having a few tears along the way, dealing with insecurities I thought I'd got over in my teens (being conscious of my body, both in how I look and sexually). I'm 40 in September a reflective time of life anyway so new short term list of goals is in the making and growing all the time..... question is.... do I have the time to achieve them????
Radiotherapy starts on wed ...another first to look forward to!! but also a sign that I'm getting through the treatment. Chemo has been hard... they say radio is a breeze in comparison... fingers crossed on that one, although with my currant run of luck I'm not holding my breath.
Let’s hope the sun is shining tomorrow both on our faces and in our hearts eh XX
Good luck everyone X X
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