March 12th - bad day

Less than one minute read time.

FormerMember

12 Mar 2013

At the moment I am all over the place. Angry, bitter, sad, upset, lonely, depressed, miserable, scared, forgotten. Of course happy too at times. But it is all very confusing and horrible. Just finding it all very difficult at the moment and I feel so alone. It's just all weird. I feel like I am drowning. On top of that I find it embarrassing and shameful that I am feeling like this when it is not me who has the cancer. I feel angry at everyone and everything.

FormerMember over 11 years ago

Tufty. Don't beat yourself up. It is totally normal for those close to cancer patients to suffer all the symptoms of grief. The feelings you are having are all normal grief ones. You may ask what are you grieving for when your friend/partner is still alive? You are grieving for the loss of the life that was. As someone in the early stage of treatment for cancer I know I have to adjust to a different life ahead for me. I have lost a life without worry and fear of recurrence of a life threatening disease and I know I will learn to live with it but I still will take time to do that. Why not speak to a Macmillan nurse or read their excellent publications for people living with cancer sufferers? Why not seek out someone you may know who has lived through the experience you are now having. They will have a great empathy with you and you are more likely to respect their views and comments. We are all only human and humans grieve for severe losses in a fairly conventional way even though each persons journey will differ the elements are all there. Maybe look up online about dealing with grief, it may help you more. ValJo
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Thanks ValJo. I will look into those options. The MacMillan nurse I can't speak to as I live in Goa and there is nothing here in the way of counseling or anything that requires any sort of empathy! But I can and will look at the other things you suggested as I have tried to explain to my husband but he just doesn't seem to understand where I am coming from. I suppose he is dealing with a lot of crap too, but I think he forgets that I am too but I don't get the same support as him as I am just the carer/wife. I just feel like we have a barrier between us which is horrible as we normally can talk about anything really easily. I sometimes think I am going mad as I should be just putting it all behind me and getting on with life and being thankful that he is still here and it has not spread further. I am angry at myself for letting go as I had it all under control before... Not sure how that happened! Ah well life goes on. Thanks for your kind and helpful words.
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Hi Tufty,

[edited] Best wishes,

Marsha xx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

My partner has lung cancer and has been having treatment for over a

year. I feel much the same as you, lonely, depressed and angry. Sometimes

I think its because the doctor's are all powerful. I try and fight this with knowledge

and questions but like you "just the carer" I hope you can hang on to the

happy moments, though it isnt easy and it has taken me all this time to

write something about my feelings so I think you are coping with an awful

situation and hope you can get some guidance from any groups available.
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Ebonybo over 11 years ago

Hi! I'm really sorry if I make no sense but its one minute past midnight, its just turned my birthday, and I 'm sat crying buckets over this keyboard! Husband diagnosed with Rectal Cancer Christmas week ( just 10 days after only daughter had a miscarriage)........I can't believe that I'm not the only one feeling like you Tufty7, you have just put into words all my feelings in one fell swoop! I almost feel relieved that these awful mixed up emotions I feel are shared!I know this awful disease is all about him but I just feel like I'm drownding in a sea of well meant placations!I'm trying to hold a job down on very little sleep, and can't even see the tunnel let alone the light!Please don't tell me to speak to the Nurses.....we've not had very many good experiences so far! Despite how I sound I'm generally a very upbeat person, and I have never nor would ever have thought I'd have written on one of these things! Hey new doors and all that! I just needed to say Thank you for making me realise I'm not alone feeling like this! And just to add injury we should be in Goa now ourselves as we go every March...Cavelossim!
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